fet numero uno.

so, this is it.  cd1 is here.   we're doing this. 

wholly fuck i can't believe we're here again.  stirs up feelings of dread, excitement and terrifying hope.   i don't miss this place.   part of me just wants to fast forward to the end of the 2ww.   being back in this place of uncertainty is brutal.   i had forgotten just how all consuming this was before ...

we're going on vacation in april and there are so many statements that start with "well, if i'm pregnant".  we're planning our annual summer vacation with 3 other families and again, more statements beginning with "well, if i'm pregnant".  i'm going back to work on may 7 and it just won't feel as devastating to have to return "if i'm pregnant".  

my husband is really reluctant for us to do another fresh ivf cycle if this fet doesn't work.  his biggest concern is that he's heard from a few different (yet totally unfounded and unsubstantiated) sources that women who have used stimulation drugs have been shown to have higher instances of ovarian and uterine cancers down the road.  its not about the financial strain it causes, or the hardship of doing it without success.  its these "reports" that he (and, to be fair, i) have heard of.   does anyone have any information on this?  has anyone done the research, talked to their doctors about this?   i'd love to hear from you if you have.

so...fet for now and see where that leads us.  hopefully to a beautiful, healthy, december baby.

how many vagina's do you have?

so last time around, i had this and then this to deal with. 

today?  easy peasy compared to last time around.  about 1/4 the pain and about 1/10 the time.  dr. love had me take misoprostal last night to help things along.  that's certainly no party but i can hardly compare it to the torture sessions of 2010. 

one step closer to my disgustingly perfect take home baby numero deux.

on a side note, i went to the pharmacy to get the miso yesterday and the women were talking behind the counter in hushed tones.  i'm pretty sure they assumed i was taking it to move along a miscarriage.  dr. love wrote on the prescription "400mg per vagina".  mr wannabe and i have been laughing at that for a few weeks now.... "so babe, how many vagina's do you have?"   the women behind the counter were doing the same thing except they were being super sneaky quiet about it for the reasons above.  i wanted to pop my head over their counter just to freak them out and say "i'll take 1200mg's - i'm rocking 3 vagina's over here!".   i resisted...

so today, i show up with mr wannabe to fill my prescription for estrace and some antibiotics to take just before the transfer.   we wander around the drug store while they're filling it to look for some monistat (apparently, i have a lot of yeast according to dr love... that's a first) and laxatives for the hubs (he's having a colonoscopy next week) and hubs has an unfortunate "roid" problem right now and got a script from his dr for some roid cream.   imagine us, collecting our prescriptions and paying for all of this stuff.    "yes ma'am, i'll take some estrogen, doxycylen, monistat and i'll throw in some laxatives, roid cream and a pack of gum".   based on my prescriptions today, the pharmacist figured out what was going on with me.  as i'm checking out with my basket of goodies, she looked at me and told me that if i just "relaxed", a pregnancy would come. 

i'd rather she give me advice on how to keep the roids at bay.   i wanted to slap her and call her a whore, but i didn't.  bitch is lucky.

ding ding ding.....round 2!

we are officially back on the ttc wagon.   i have my torture session (aka mock transfer) set up for thursday and i'm calling the clinic on cd1.   we picked up my schedule and the drugs today.   feels funny having drugs in my fridge again.  

1 frozen kidsicle.... hopefully, one viable pregnancy.   it feels really weird to be back in this place of hoping for a bfp again.  i thought i would feel ok regardless of how things turned out because we were SO lucky the first time around the ivf block and have our little man in our lives.  i thought that once i was a mom, the intense desire for a second baby wouldn't be quite so, well, intense.   but... wholly balls to the wall, do i want this.   bad.

this time around, i want it as much but for different reasons.   i look at my son and wonder what his life will be like when he's 40 like me.  will i be a healthy 80 yr old momma or will i be gone?   and what about mr. wannabe... will he be here?   morbid thought, i know .... but the thought of adam being all alone with no family (other than cousins who probably won't be as close to him) at my age is a devastating thought.   i want him to have an opportunity to have the close sibling relationship that both mr. wannabe and i have with our siblings.  i want him to have a place to go for xmas dinner.  i know, he'll probably be married and hopefully have his own kids, etc. etc. but still... its a thought i can't seem to get past.   i know that not all siblings get along and so there's no guarantees but a girl can dream, right? 

i want it bad.  for mr. wannabe and i and for adam.   and this strong desire both surprises me and scares the shit out of me.  what if it doesn't work - then what?  another fresh ivf?   arg.   one thing at a time, right?    so i sit and wait for cd1 and i hope like hell that we'll be "that" couple that does 1 ivf, gets 2 blasts, and has 2 kids.   sounds disgustingly perfect, huh?

i think we're a go for march

i'm on cd6 of what i hope is my second last period before embarking on another pregnancy.   the oncologist suggested that we are a-ok to proceed with the fet without any treatments for dysplasia.  that was pretty awesome to hear.   so now we meet with dr. love (fertility/ob guy) on monday morning and *hopefully* get us into his schedule for my next cycle.   as i understand it, fet's are a walk in the park compared to a fresh ivf cycle so i don't think it'll be a problem to get us in.  

time to show my lady bits off to anyone and everyone again for a while.  

wish me luck!

the delicious pics are no more.

call me crazy, but i really hate the thought of posting pics of the baby boy online for some reason... not sure why but it just doesn't feel right.   probably because i know that my husband would kill me if he knew i even had this blog... he's a very private person - doesn't like FB, blogs, anything like that.

so...the pics are now gone! 

on another note, i think we've decided to go ahead and proceed with the FET on schedule and not worry about the dysplasia for now.  i have a new GP dr. (who is so amazing, i think i'll call her dr. amazing) that i saw and she was on board with us waiting based on the grade of the bad cells right now.   i am seeing a naturopath (not my regular one, she's too far away from my house to go weekly, so i've got a new one closer to home until i go back to work) and she also suggests we go ahead and proceed.  so i'll wait to see this oncologist in early feb but i think he'll probably tell us the same thing.   so, 2 cycles to go and then we'll be headed into treatment territory again.   if the FET doesn't work, then we may just be headed for another fresh IVF cycle.  initially, hubs and i were at odds about this but i think he's coming around to the idea of doing one more cycle.  hopefully, we'll be one of those amazing stories you hear about - 1 IVF, only 2 blasts, 2 babies.  wouldn't that be sweet ass amazeballs?

lazy blogger

hellloooo lazy.  i still read but rarely comment because that would mean i'd have to actually sign into my account.  i know... lazy.

i never blog anymore, not sure why.  maybe its the 8 month old wonder-boy i have crawling all over me all the time.

i think of all of you often and am happy to read about some second time around pregnancies - terrific news!

we've met with dr. love about baby no 2 but... there's always a but isn't there?   turns out i have a bad ass case of dysplasia again so i have to see a specialist in feb to see if he can take care of that or if he recommends we wait until after we're done with baby making (whether that be by FET or a fresh IVF if FET doesn't work).  he might tell us to go ahead and deal with the dysplasia after ... but there's always a chance it can get worse because of preggo hormones.  they think that's why its come back - because of my pregnancy with adam.   who knows.  all i know is i want another baby.  like right now.  i love being a mom.  i love being adam's mom.

speaking of adam - he is fantastic.   crawling, eating, babbling, laughing, lovin on his momma, all good things.  all great things.   i can't get enough of my little nugget.  still on maternity leave and loving it. 

so that's about it.  nothing else going on over here.  i'm not even sure anyone is still reading ... but if you are, boo!

forty

big day today.
my 40th birthday.
mr. wannabe and little a-man by my side.
a couple of pugs in tow...
its not all bad! 
in fact, i'm going out on a limb and saying i don't care at all that i'm 40.
who knew?

happy birthday to me.