Summer Hiatus

it looks like we're headed for ivf in late summer/early fall.

i'm not happy about it.  how can it be that i was pregnant so often in 2009 without really trying (ok, all ended in miscarriage but still) and now that we have medical intervention on our side, everything seems to be going wrong?   how can this be happening?   i never thought getting pregnant would be our problem and here we are.  May, 2010 and not pregnant.

i was really hoping to be one of those iui success stories.   but, after my last iui, my dr. said that's it.   if this third iui doesn't work (had them last tues/wed and find out next tues), we have to explore other options.  i am full of cysts from the meds and have developed a polyp in my uterus - probably from the meds but he's not sure.  he did say that the polyp, depending on its location, could prevent implantation.    excellent. 

i have all but given up that this latest cycle will have worked based on what the dr said during the iui and am trying to wrap my mind around ivf.  and i have to say, i'm being a big baby about it.   i really didn't want to have to do this.   what if this doesn't work?  then what?   hell, after all of this, i don't even know if i want kids anymore ... how bad is that?    hubs thinks this is just a natural defence at work but i'm not so sure.   i do know that i don't want to find myself at 45 looking back and regretting that we didn't explore every option. 

we're taking the summer off regardless.  i need a break.  i want to live like a normal person, make plans to go away on the weekend.   i'd even like to get all *crazy* and plan an actual vacation!    but i know, the entire time, i'll be thinking about this... the "what if's", the "when will our time be", the "why is this happening to us". 

does this ever get easier?

retail therapy

just back from an unexpected shopping spree. 

its amazing how a little (ahem...ok, a lot) of retail therapy can help a girl feel like a million bucks. 

even if it is just for one day :)

hope everyone is enjoying their weekend!

things people say

*warning:  a bit of a rant follows*

all of us infertiles out there loath hearing "just relax and it'll happen" and "if you're meant to be parents, then it will be" and "being a parent is not all its cracked up to be", etc.    i can now introduce another line of comments i loath hearing and have been hearing WAY too much of lately.  just a few examples:

we talked for a month or so about buying hardwood for our main floor and having it installed.  just about every person that knows our situation said to me "go out and buy the hardwood, spend the money you've been saving for maternity leave - then you'll get knocked up for sure!"

hardwood - check.
knocked up - nope.

we recently bought new furniture for our family room.  again, all those same people plus a few more said "go out and buy the furniture, spend the money you've been saving for maternity leave - then you'll get knocked up for sure!"

new furniture - check.
knocked up - nope.

i've even had the helpful advice from some suggesting that if i want to get knocked up, then i should wander over to costco and buy the super sized box of tampons.  

supersized box of tampons purchased and EMPTY - check
knocked up - you guessed it... nope.
guess i have to buy more tampons, should i buy the big box again? 

after the most recent failed cycle, we are now contemplating 2 more iui cycles which, if both fail, will be followed by a 2-3 month break from any ART.  for that 2-3 month period, we'll live on the edge and go back to trying the old fashioned way.   if this doesn't work, then we'll wade into the world of IVF - something that neither of us is looking forward to.   but, between now and then, with a few months off, we'll be able to live life carelessly again - do what we feel like doing, when we feel like doing it, without any regard to where i am in my cycle and when we're expected back at the clinic.  several of our friends are turning 40 this year and the group of them are planning a trip to Vegas in July to celebrate together.  we've been invited to join them and would both really love to go.   so, that is our plan - if i'm not knocked up, we're heading to Vegas in July and we'll probably extend it and hit San Fran for a few days afterwards.   we've decided we won't book anything until shortly before to be sure though as i'm not overly interested in a trip to sin city if i'm knocked up and can't truly enjoy it for all its worth.   so, i'm sure by now, you can guess what everyone is saying to us...  "book now and pay for it because if you do, you'll surely be knocked up when its time to go!"

and i just want to tell them all to fuck off.   is that wrong?

bust.

another bust.
another bfn.

another night of endless tears and negative rants about how hard this is to my amazing husband (who just stood there, hugged me, and occassionally teared up right along side me.)

before i arrived home, he went out and bought me tulips, made my favourite dinner, even bought hagendaus ice cream bars - all to make me feel just a little bit better in spite of the shitty results.   and, even though none of that took away the feelings of hopelessness and utter dissappointment, it reminded me how lucky i am to have him.  and for that, i am beyond grateful.

Today is the day.

I went in for bloodwork this morning.   I left my husband's cell number and also told him NOT to call me at the office with the results regardless of the outcome.   I figured if I knew that I wouldn't find out until the end of the day, that I'd get through the day ok today.  So far, so good but the end of the day can't come fast enough.

I can't take another "negative" phone call at the office.   Its too hard to concentrate and, after getting negative after negative, its hard not to wail like crazy when you find out you're not pregnant.   I'd rather do that at home.

Let's hope I don't have to.    I'll know one way or the other in about 5 hours.

Please Please Please let it be positive news!

On another note, I had a strange experience this weekend.   I went to visit a friend that just had her baby and I have to say ... I was completely numb.   Totally indifferent to this little itty bitty newborn baby.   It was almost like I just didn't care.   I did the obligitory holding of the baby and I think I would have looked as though I was having all of those feelings but not because I was having them, but more because I was trying to pretend I was.   No longing feelings, no feeling sorry for myself, no schmoopy newborn cute can't get enough of him feelings at all.   I just felt nothing.   In fact, more than that, I was almost bored.   It was as though I felt I had nothing to contribute to the conversation, so I didn't contribute anything at all (there were 4 of us that went to visit, H and I and my friend and her husband).    I couldn't wait to leave and get home.    Very strange.... but better than being devastated by it, I guess.