what, no ultrasound until 12 weeks?

who are they kidding?   don't they know who i am? 

that's right folks... i just got off the phone with my dr.'s office and they've told me they have scheduled my next ultrasound for oct 27.  i say pardon?

i told her that i was told i'd have another one at 8ish weeks and, while i still have an appt with him tomorrow, i'm told there will be no ultrasound.    WTF??

so, if you're looking for me tomorrow, i'll be the woman in the dr.'s office on my hands and knees BEGGING him to let me have one.  mr. wannabe will be begging along side me because he doesn't feel he can live with me for another 4 weeks in my current state.

hello...are you still in there?

based on how i feel, i believe baby wannabe is, in fact, still in there.   but there's that little voice inside me warning me not to get cocky, too excited, or assume that everything is ok.  

mr. wannabe is on the opposite end of the spectrum.   we've never made it this far before and he's looking purely at the stats - chance of miscarriage plummets to 5% once you see a heartbeat.   we've never seen a heartbeat before so, because we're in uncharted waters, mr wannabe believes that we'll fall comfortably into the 95% on this one.   we're headed to the dr. on thursday and we'll have another ultrasound then.  boy, do i hope he's right!

bring it, baby w

i barfed this morning!    i've never been so happy to chuck in all my life!   i will admit that this will be a hard state to live in for 6+ weeks, but i'm up for it.   bring it, baby wannabe.  i'll take everything you've got.

good things can happen...

mr wannabe and i have been feeling like its our time, we need a win, he says.  and, my friends, good things can happen in this shitastic infertile world.    i'll tell you why i know this....

hb of 124bmp ... measuring .41cm and 6w1d ... pure joy.   estimated due date:  may 8, 2011. 

we went to see dr. love (i have to drop the hate part now... he's been so incredible with us through this ivf and beyond!) yesterday and he told us that our ultrasound was booked for today but he worked his magic and got us an appt yesterday instead.  it was the most terrifying 20 minutes of my life while she was doing the ultrasound and looking for a hb.  at first, she couldn't find it, said it was too early but said everything looked good.  i started crying which then turned into the ugly cry because i was sure that she should be able to see it at this stage.  while she was consoling me (wand still in....nice) she saw a flicker and here it was.  i held my breath while she was measuring the hb.... and then, when she told me it was 124bpm, i continued with the ugly cry ... but purely from relief!   mr. wannabe came in and saw it all and we were both amazed... in awe...

our next appt and u/s is sept 30.  we can't wait.

so, there you have it.   good things can happen...this was proven to us yesterday.

i'm sorry, you expect me to be awake at work?

seriously.... how the fuck do you work through this exhaustion...?   i can barely keep my eyes open.  i've been tired for about a week or so now but today.... my entire body is telling me it wants to sleep like right fucking now.

i have deadlines at work and i just don't give a shit. 

somebody please come into my office and smack me .... if not, i'm going to be sleeping on (not under, too much effort to get down there) my desk in about 5 minutes.

zzzzz

beta #3 is in....

beta #3 at 21dp5dt is 13,766!!!!!

i can breath now...

going to see dr. love/hate on monday to book the ultrasound - hopefully that will be next week sometime, but if not, the following week for sure.

keep growing baby wannabe!

beta day

my first and third pregnancies were chemical.  positive test followed by wicked periods.  highs and lows.   my second pregnancy was different.  we waited out the numbers game.  my first beta was 109.  back then i wasn't thinking in dpo or anything like that as we'd only been "not protecting" for 3 or 4 cycles, one of which ended up with a chemical.  my period was late and so i tested and saw 2 lines.   my second beta was 263 but there were 5 days in between betas so if you do the math, it was low.  dr. love/hate decided to wait a week to test again and told me that my levels *should* be around 6,000/6,500 if it was viable.  when we tested next a week later, i was at 556.  i started miscarrying about 8 days later - the day of my first bridal shower.  i'll never forget that day.  i felt so robbed in so many ways.  it was suppose to be such a happy time in my life and it ended up being the saddest time.  the worst part of it all was that i had to put the brave face on for the shower because nobody knew what was going on but for a select few (my mother, best friend, etc.) 

so now, after more than a year later, i sit here waiting for that fateful 3rd beta and its scaring the fuck out of me.   in my mind, this feels like a milestone that we'll never achieve, a hurdle we'll never jump high enough to get over.   i can't even imagine this pregnancy turning into a baby... i can't let myself go there yet.    oh to be fertile and assume that 2 lines means baby... how amazing that would be.

beta results should be ready by about 3:00 today.  until then, i'll be found rocking under my desk in the fetal position hoping beyond hope that history doesn't repeat itself.

still pregnant...

my dr. appt on friday was somewhat uneventful.  he asked me how i'm feeling and is encouraged by the symptoms i shared with him.  he also said that being symptom free wouldn't worry him at all.  he joked with me and told me he thought i'd be sick as a dog by now give that i seem to get the shit end of the stick with all things infertility and pregnancy but was glad i'm feeling ok. 

and says that my beta numbers look excellent so far and that we're "right where we want to be right now".  the rest is a waiting game.   he's ordered another blood test for me for tuesday morning and, based on where i'm at, he'll then book an ultrasound.  he offered an ultrasound up now but warned that he finds this stresses his patients out more than it does help them because its too early to detect a heartbeat so he didn't recommend it. 

believe it or not, i think i can wait. 

he was also lucky enough to feast his eyes on the beauty that is my ass right now.  it is so awful looking from the PIO shots ... not a pretty sight.  he told me that while its uncomfortable and itchy, there's nothing really "troubling" about the way it looks and that's just the PIO shots.  he did tell me not to put anything other than a warm towel on it which i found surprising.  no moisturizer, creams, nothing.  

so, until tuesday at least, i remain pregnant.  i have no idea how far along i am or what my due date is ... i've heard and read conflicting reports about how ivf pregnancies are dated (from CD1 or 2 weeks prior to retrieval or 2 weeks prior to transfer).  i haven't asked him that as it seems premature until we know that we've got a real live little baby wannabe in there and so for now, i'm ok with that.

did you smell that?

while i wait to see if there is actually a growing viable baby in my belly, i obsess about symptoms.   and i have to say, by far the most pronounced symptom i have is this incredible sense of smell. 

i was out to dinner with friends yesterday and 2 of the 4 of us had red wine and i felt like each glass was being poured up my nostrils.  the smell of laundry detergent on the towels i've used this week is overpowering.  wearing cologne?  i'll tell you if you are and then tell you you're wearing too much.   this falls into the tmi category but the smell of urine in the bathroom at work just now nearly knocked me on my ass. 

i'm also looking at my ever growing jugs with awe.   they're not super soar during the day - only when i man-handle them - but when i get up to pee in the middle of the night (a minimum of once per night by the way), they hurt like a mofo.  strange that they don't hurt like that all the time.

the bloating... oh the bloating.  every time i eat a meal, drink a gatorade (yes, my dr STILL has me drinking 2 gatorade's per day) or a glass of water, i feel so full and bloated it makes me feel like i'm going to chuck.  this feeling usually passes after 15-30 minutes though.   sometimes, i'm so bloated that i can't take deep breaths ... but i'm told this is all normal.

i'm feeling pretty tired but i'm still not 100% sure i can attribute this entirely to be pregnant or not. 

hopefully all of these things means there's a little baby wannabe growing in there!

oh yeah... one more thing- anyone out there that's taken the PIO shots - have you ever developed a rash?  totally itchy ass rash?  i've got a bad ass rash right across my ass on both sides where mr wannabe administers the shots right now and let me tell you, its driving me mad!!   imagine trying to itch your ass in a meeting with 6 men sitting around staring at you ... not the easiest thing to do!  my butt is also lumpy - i'm guessing this is scar tissue building up from the shots maybe?