a mixed bag of stuff

i'm in the final half.   how did that happen?   the first 20 weeks went by slow and fast all at the same time.  lots and lots of appointments, needles, ultrasounds, progesterone suppositories, vomitting, sleeping, not sleeping, dreaming crazy dreams, growing, not enough pooping (thanks to the constipation gods), worrying, worrying some more, runny noses, big belly, and then one final confirmation that, so far, everything looks great. 

the day i turned 20 weeks pregnant was the day the dr confirmed to me with those 3 words - "everything looks great", that i'm just like every other fertile pregnant woman at 20 weeks.  i'm not there yet.  i'm feeling good, great actually.  but i still can't let myself get too cocky.  i still catch myself referring to "if" the baby comes in may instead of "when".   those old battle scars are there, and the worry never goes away.  i can't read stories about women losing babies anywhere from 20 weeks on.  it upsets me too much and scares the hell out of me all at the same time.  i can't look at stats anymore.   numbers and odds are not something that interest me.  they scare the fuck out of me.  my husband wants to wrap me in bubble wrap for the next 19 weeks.  he's afraid of me wiping out again.   i want the bubble wrap to insulate me from anything bad happening. 

i'm so grateful and thankful to be here... i can't even really put it into words.   there are none that would come close to doing justice.   i am also grateful to each and every one of you.  you carried me through the hardest time of my life.   you've done for me what my husband, family and friends could not.  you've made a world of difference in my life and i truly hope someday that i can meet some of you face to face to express my gratitude in person.

my Christmas wish is that all of you, still deep in the trenches, achieve your goals, whatever they may be.  i understand that you may not read this anymore, but i follow you... religiously and i'm hoping and wishing that 2011 brings you the family you so desire.

and with that, i'm signing off for 2010.   Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

phew!

another hurdle successfully jumped!   

we had our anatomy scan this morning and managed to get through it without any hiccups at all and also managed to keep the gender a mystery for another day. 

baby wannabe looks about as perfect as a baby can look at this point, four chambers of the heart were there, beautiful spine, all the organs in the right spot, and all the measurements checked out just great!  the dr also said that my cervix looks "good".  i wanted more info than that but that's all i got from him.

the best part, by far, was watching the baby flip and turn and suck its fingers.  supreme awesomeness!  i couldn't feel a lot of the movement that was going on but the dr just laughed at me and assured me the baby would be keeping me up at night with all its movements in just a few weeks.   he suggested we may have a little athlete on our hands.  i fucking loved hearing that!

we'll get the official report from dr. love tomorrow morning but we've been assured that baby wannabe is just fine!  

dreams

i had a terrible dream last night...

without boring you with all the details, toward the end of the dream i was in the air parachuting, i think, and my right arm was on fire.  i landed on the ground and rolled into a somersault (arm still on fire) and was sure my baby was dead as a result of the fall.   nobody was helping me (arm still on fire) and i was devastated that it was a very good possibility that my baby was dead.

pregnancy dreams are strange.  i swear you can tell the difference between the dreams of an infertile pregnant woman that has worked her ass off to get where she is and the dreams of a fertile pregnant woman who just, well, got knocked up.  

they're all strange, i'm sure.  but the fertile pregnant woman is probably dancing with mickey mouse at disney land while eating lollipops and chasing butterflies and the infertile pregnant woman is trying to land from a terrifying fall in a way that protects her unborn baby (all the while, with her arm on fire). 

we have our 20wk anatomy scan tomorrow.   anytime i am just about to reach a milestone in this pregnancy, i have these crazy, terrifying and devastating dreams leading up to it.   so far, my dreams have only proven that the infertile in me is still alive and kicking and that subconsciously i am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

it hasn't dropped yet...and the rational me has no reason to believe it will.  

is it tomorrow yet?

that's right.

presiden.t's choice candy cane fudge crackle ice cream.

fucking awesome.

ass size?

not so good.

nuff said.

at long last...

here they are - belly pics.  don't all scream at once.

this one is at 16 weeks:

and here I am in all my glory at 17 weeks:

i missed 18 weeks.  i was probably busy eating a block of cheese or a tub of ice cream.

here is one from tonight - just one day shy of 19 weeks:

I know what you're thinking.   "She MUST be having twins!"

prenatal screening results

we went to see dr. love today for the results of our prenatal screening.   our results are 1 in 280.  huh.   i was hoping for 1 in a gazillion billion trillion.  but we're 1 in 280.   average for 39yr old women is 1 in 40. 

we've decided that we're not doing the amnio.  we tried so fucking hard to get here that i just can't bring myself to risk being in that 3% that miscarry as a result.   and, at the end of the day, we're looking at odds of less than 1% that our baby will have downs.  

for the record, dr love basically called it a negative and said he wouldn't recommend an amnio based on these numbers.   he also said my weight is great (lost a lb this time around, so i'm up 6 in total), he's happy with the size of my belly, heart rate is excellent and he says i look healthy and glowing (can't say i didn't eat that last comment up!)

i'd love to hear your stories.... but please - good stories only.   don't freak an infertile pregnant woman out any more than she needs to be! 

oh yeah.... belly pics to come soon.  camera cord is downstairs and camera and computer are upstairs... i'm always too much of a lazy sack of shit to get the damn cord when i'm at the computer thinking about posting my pictures.  but they're coming, i promise!!!