wanna be momma

i think we're a go for march

2012-02-10T19:36:00.000-05:00

i'm on cd6 of what i hope is my second last period before embarking on another pregnancy. the oncologist suggested that we are a-ok to proceed with the fet without any treatments for dysplasia. that was pretty awesome to hear. so now we meet with dr. love (fertility/ob guy) on monday morning and *hopefully* get us into his schedule for my next cycle. as i understand it, fet's are a walk in the park compared to a fresh ivf cycle so i don't think it'll be a problem to get us in.

time to show my lady bits off to anyone and everyone again for a while.

wish me luck!

the delicious pics are no more.

2012-01-20T09:04:00.000-05:00

call me crazy, but i really hate the thought of posting pics of the baby boy online for some reason... not sure why but it just doesn't feel right. probably because i know that my husband would kill me if he knew i even had this blog... he's a very private person - doesn't like FB, blogs, anything like that.

so...the pics are now gone!

on another note, i think we've decided to go ahead and proceed with the FET on schedule and not worry about the dysplasia for now. i have a new GP dr. (who is so amazing, i think i'll call her dr. amazing) that i saw and she was on board with us waiting based on the grade of the bad cells right now. i am seeing a naturopath (not my regular one, she's too far away from my house to go weekly, so i've got a new one closer to home until i go back to work) and she also suggests we go ahead and proceed. so i'll wait to see this oncologist in early feb but i think he'll probably tell us the same thing. so, 2 cycles to go and then we'll be headed into treatment territory again. if the FET doesn't work, then we may just be headed for another fresh IVF cycle. initially, hubs and i were at odds about this but i think he's coming around to the idea of doing one more cycle. hopefully, we'll be one of those amazing stories you hear about - 1 IVF, only 2 blasts, 2 babies. wouldn't that be sweet ass amazeballs?

lazy blogger

2012-01-09T19:56:00.000-05:00

hellloooo lazy. i still read but rarely comment because that would mean i'd have to actually sign into my account. i know... lazy.

i never blog anymore, not sure why. maybe its the 8 month old wonder-boy i have crawling all over me all the time.

i think of all of you often and am happy to read about some second time around pregnancies - terrific news!

we've met with dr. love about baby no 2 but... there's always a but isn't there? turns out i have a bad ass case of dysplasia again so i have to see a specialist in feb to see if he can take care of that or if he recommends we wait until after we're done with baby making (whether that be by FET or a fresh IVF if FET doesn't work). he might tell us to go ahead and deal with the dysplasia after ... but there's always a chance it can get worse because of preggo hormones. they think that's why its come back - because of my pregnancy with adam. who knows. all i know is i want another baby. like right now. i love being a mom. i love being adam's mom.

speaking of adam - he is fantastic. crawling, eating, babbling, laughing, lovin on his momma, all good things. all great things. i can't get enough of my little nugget. still on maternity leave and loving it.

so that's about it. nothing else going on over here. i'm not even sure anyone is still reading ... but if you are, boo!

forty

2011-11-01T08:40:00.000-04:00

big day today.
my 40th birthday.
mr. wannabe and little a-man by my side.
a couple of pugs in tow...
its not all bad!
in fact, i'm going out on a limb and saying i don't care at all that i'm 40.
who knew?

happy birthday to me.

CD1!

2011-10-09T19:55:00.002-04:00

for the first time in my life, i am happy to see af arrive :)

that's right... she's back with a vengeance and i'm pretty happy about it! i started weaning adam about 2 weeks ago - i'm not sure if this is why or not but i'll take it! i now have about 3.5 months to get my body back into "baby cooking" condition before we throw ourselves back into baby-making. this means more working out, watching my diet, and losing some weight before we head into fet-land.

let the games begin!

5 months old!!

2011-10-03T06:48:00.000-04:00

i start every post by saying this... but where the heck is the time going?   not only is adam 5 months old.... but its october already. wtf?   its actually getting cold out now!

things are great in the wannabe household. adam and i are keeping ourselves busy with all kinds of fun stuff. we meet up with other friends regularly for play dates (as much as any 5 month old can play...), we go to classes at the local library and other classes through the local ymca, adam is in swimming lessons now, trips to the zoo so adam can stare in amazement at the animals, and many other things fill out time. i absolutely love being at home with him and am so thankful for the full year maternity leave we get here in canada. i can't imagine being back at work right now. in fact, if we were in a position to afford it right now, i'd just stay home.   but alas, the mighty dollar will force me back in may next year. hopefully i'll be knocked up when i get there so i can look forward to another year off with my boy and a new baby. time will tell.

adam is fun. like, i'm talking F.U.N.   he is babbling up a storm, grabbing at everything, jumping away in his jumperoo and jolly jumper and laughing much more these days. he's now eating solid foods but only sweet potato and bananas so far. this week will bring peas and apples. he's also tried all the grains as well.   and lets just say he's got the same appetite his mommy has.   this kid can eat! he's probably close to 20lbs now!   we've had to buy a new car seat already since he's so huge.

i'm still breastfeeding but have started the weaning process.   before having him, i never gave any thought to weaning, well other than the fact that i was going to have him weaned by 6 months. now that he's here and breastfeeding is so easy for us, i am having a hard time with it. if we weren't feeling like there was a bit of a clock ticking in the background for baby no. 2, i'd continue breastfeeding him until at least 9 months.   i'm going to be really sad when i feed him for the last time... but we've got to start preparing for number 2 :)

i've been catching up with you guys and am so happy to hear about Gurlee's pregnancy and Oak's too!   so awesome!   a few of you are getting closer and closer as well, Adele, Roccie too.   lots of good news out there :)

i'd like to say i'll update more... but i've said that before.   so how about i'll try?   i'm having so much fun being adam's mom that this seems to fall by the wayside.   i do check in fairly regularly to see how everyone's doing ... thats got to count for something, right?

speak up momma!

2011-08-26T23:20:00.000-04:00

i just checked in on my son sleeping peacefully in his crib. i was inspired to sit down at the computer and type this post while staring at him. parenting is amazing. and its moments like these (along with so many others) that make me feel like i might burst with happiness.

but its not always like this. its fucking hard too. some days adam is a crank pot all day long and these days are really challenging. bunny eloquently talks about how hard it is on a marriage and i can totally appreciate her post. mr wannabe is currently away for a "boys" weekend. he plays hockey one night a week and hasn't missed a night since adam was born. he comes home from work and heads straight to the basement (after a brief hello to his little family, he's not a total dick!) for his daily workout. he also rides his bike to and from work.   and i just nod my head to all of this but secretly stew over the fact that his life doesn't seem to have changed at all, while mine.... wholly monkey balls, i don't remember what my life was like before adam!   i love being his mom but momma needs a break every once in a while too.

to be fair, i've gone out for dinner with friends twice. but both times, i've come home to reports that things didn't go so well at home, adam was cranky, bedtime was hard, and where the fuck are his sleepers and bibs?   so a kick ass night out with the girls is immediately pissed on by a grump ass husband who thinks i need to reorganize the boy's dresser drawers to make his life easier.

i don't want to make mr. wannabe out to be some sort of a neanderthal douchbag because he's not at all. in fact, he's an amazing, thoughtful, sensitive (YES, sensitive... i swear) guy. he's also an incredible, attentive, loving father.   he just hasn't spent lots of time alone with his son because i'm always hovering around his sorry ass.  i'll run out occasionally for groceries or to run errands while my boys hang out together but other than these outtings and my two dinners, we're together as a family or its just baby boy and mom kickin it together.  mr wannabe's life hasn't changed because i haven't stepped up to tell him not to go to hockey or asked him to skip a workout so i can squeeze one in.  i definitely have to tell him to take a tour of his son's room so he can figure out where the sleepers and bibs are himself! he should be thinking of all these things himself, yes.... but i think he's like most men out there.   totally fucking oblivious. and i'm like most women out there. not saying anything.

so i'll probably say something soon. like when he gets home from his boys weekend all scruffy and hungover.   he'll love that.

its all worth it

2011-08-17T08:00:00.000-04:00

i've spent the last few moments reading through my posts in August of last year. i was so scared and so hopeful all at the same time.   i vividly remember lying in bed the afternoon of my transfer, 1 year ago today, wondering what my life would be like 1 year from that day if this all worked.   i just couldn't imagine it... hard as i tried.

and here i am.   1 year later.   baby adam in my arms banging at the keyboard and squealing in delight... 16 wonderful weeks old and the absolute joy of our lives.   i always thought this was such a cheesy saying... but being adam's mom, watching him grow and learn every day, having him snuggle up to me when he's tired and break away from me when its his time to explore... it really is like having my entire heart walking around outside of my body.

hang in there my friends... who cares how you get there, iui, ivf, donor sperm, donor eggs, surrogate, adoption, whatever... just hang in there. its all worth it.   i promise.

i'm still here!

2011-07-24T14:43:00.000-04:00

i'm still here... is anyone still kicking around?

adam is going to be 3 months old on wednesday. time is flying at warp speed and i'd do just about anything to slow it down. i think of my american friends often having to go back to work so quickly and feel very lucky every day to have a full year off with our little man.

adam is babbling up a storm these days. he's about as chunky as a 3 month old can be. he weighed in at 13.5lbs at his 2 month check in and i'm dying to see where he's at now (next dr. appt is this wed).   he's delightfully rolly and chunky and when he smiles at me, nothing else matters! he's teased us with many nights of sleeping through the night only to follow them up with a night where he's up 8 or more times. such is the life of a new mom...sigh.

i've been spending my time being his mom and nearly no time on the computer and its been nice. that said, its been awesome catching up with all of you as well. i've still got a bunch of you to check in on. i'm going to try to catch up with everyone a little more frequently now (we have a new computer which makes everything a lot easier).

we're in heavy talks for baby number 2 already. turning 40 is no longer that far off. november 1 will be here before i know it so we've got to get some plans in motion.   i'm meeting with dr. love briefly in august to talk about when the best time for our FET is and what i should be doing between now and then to get my body ready for the roller coaster of pregnancy again (hopefully!).   we don't plan on actually doing a FET until sometime in feb/2012 as i'm going to continue breastfeeding until the end of oct and then i'm going to give my body a well deserved break (and fill it with as much beer and wine as i can for a few months!) before we throw ourselves back into trying.

so, all in all, life is good. no, its fantastic!

worry wart.

2011-06-13T22:23:00.000-04:00

i've just spent the last 2 hours on the internet totally freaking myself out. adam arches his back sometimes. not always, but i noticed today that he does it "sometimes". he's never really crying when he does this, it seems more exploratory. he doesn't do it when he breastfeeds but sometimes does it when he's crying (not always though). i can cradle him without him arching. so basically, he arches his back "sometimes".

i casually looked this up on the internet because adam was sleeping, mr wannabe was out playing hockey and i was bored. not because i was worried about it, just curious. i was thinking i would discover that this a developmental cutesy thing that kids start around his age, etc. etc. all this shit starts popping up that scares the crap out of me.

reflux keeps coming up... but he doesn't do it when he's eating.
sensory issues - wtf?
cp. (not worried about this because while he does straighten his legs, he also bends and kicks them which is all normal)
aut.ism - believe it or not, aut.ism comes up.

i don't think adam has any of these problems although i will be counting the arches through the day in the coming days because i'm a sick bastard and can't let it go. i think he's just stretching it out, exploring what his body can do. this is just one example of how neurotic i can be as i seem to worry about everything all the time. i'm not sure if this is an "all parents" thing or if its heightened by the journey that led us to being fortunate enough to be his parents.

its hard to strike the balance between being a parent that is aware of what your child is doing and tracking his/her development to make sure everything is moving along as it should be and not sweating the small stuff.

anyone have any tips to help me live in the middle of these 2?

blogger eating my comments?

2011-06-09T13:07:00.000-04:00

i have been reading and commenting and reading and commenting. and blogger has been eating away at them.

i've left a long comment for Adele, twice now, with mucho congrats on finding out she has boy parts swimming around and suggestions for books i've read.

i've left a comment for Gurlee congratulating her on such an amazing retrieval and reminding her that of 20 eggs retrieved during my retrieval, only 8 fertilized and only 2 made it to day 5 blasts. we transferred on and froze 1 and the transferred blast is sleeping in the next room right now. it was a keep your chin up sort of a comment ... and i'm hoping Gurlee stops in here to see this.

i commented on Roccie's latest post ... always love posts from Roccie - she cracks me up! but that got eaten too.

i've tried to let Augusta know that i'm thinking of her constantly and wishing i could do something to help her through this difficult time - and this was sucked up into the blogger vortex.

Bunny ... what can i say - i feel like we're living the same life right now. i'm always reading and trying to comment and sometimes it works, but other times....blogger gobble gobble gobble.

Oak ... your return to work posts - yep, i'm reading them, i'm commenting on them .... blogger's eating them for lunch.

there are countless others...

wtf?

i'm here, i'm reading and i'm really trying to throw my support around but having zero success :(

i'll keep trying!

sweet sweet sleep!

2011-06-06T11:29:00.000-04:00

i can't believe it, but our little man has slept through the night....twice now!

we both feel so spoiled by this. friday night - 11pm through to 7am. last night - 11:30pm - 6:30am. both nights, i only woke up once and heard him making his squeaking squirmy noises (both times around 5am) but didn't feel the need to get up and make sure he was still breathing so just went back to sleep (does that make me a bad mom?)

hot diggidy damn!

the birth of the boy

2011-05-31T15:11:00.000-04:00

i want to document the day for many reasons.  i don't want to forget a single moment of adam's first birthday and will always have this to look back on to remember the details that become fuzzy with time. i'd also like adam to have somewhere to look someday (if i ever come out of the blogging closet with mr. wannabe and adam!) if he'd like to read about how he came to be.
our c-section was booked for 7:45am and we were to arrive at the hospital at 5:45am to get prepped, etc. the night before was surreal. i was sitting on the couch with mr. wannabe and gigantor (as he was fondly referred to as back then) was moving around like crazy ... it was almost as though he knew it was getting close to his time to break out and he wanted me to remember how awesome it was to feel him wiggling around. i was pretty wired that night and didn't get to sleep until about midnight and our alarms went off at 4am. in the morning i was unusually calm. the only thing i was worried about was getting the spinal. i didn't give a shit about the fact that dr. love was cutting me open. strange.

we arrived at the hospital on time and i was admitted. up to labour and delivery we went and we were greeted with a couple of nurses who put us into a triage room and quickly got me all hooked up to a bunch of stuff, took my blood pressure, checked gigantor's heart rate, busted out the sexy compression socks and hospital gown for me to change into. luckily for us, it was a really quiet day in l&d so we were the only ones there, other than a few women who had already given birth.   then, frick and frack (a.k.a. the nurses) started trying to get an iv started. not only did it take them five shots to get it right, but the conversation between them was hysterical if you weren't the one they were "practicing" on.   one of the nurses also mentioned that my platelets were low and that this was cause for concern. every ounce of calm that was within me quickly oozed out and i started to get really worked up about what was about to happen. if these nurses couldn't administer an iv, then how the heck could they assist with a c-section? i wasn't happy.

enter: dr. love. the nurses scurried away when he came in the room and he put my mind at ease. he laughed when i asked about the platelets because i was on the borderline of normal and he wouldn't have even mentioned it to me so he had no idea why they did. he put my mind at ease about the spinal as well and in a moment, i wasn't quite as nervous anymore.

once they were finished with me in triage, i was taken to the or. i met with the anesthesiologist and she was really nice, as was the nurse assisting her (thankfully, not the same as the other nurses in triage). having the spinal administered was really uncomfortable. i didn't like it at all... but that said, once it was done (and it was done inside of 5 minutes), all was good.   they brought mr wannabe into the room and he came up to me, rubbed and kissed my forehead and held my hand and that made everything better... i love my mr. wannabe!   before i knew it, they had started and within minutes, adam was born. for as long as i live, i will never forget this moment in my life.   having dr. love deliver him, hearing those three words "its a boy!" and hearing adam belting out his first cries... honestly the best moment of my life. i cried like i've never cried before. both mr. wannabe and i stared at each other in amazement that we had a son. i was SURE we were having a girl! so much so that he remained nameless for the day.   mr. wannabe was taking pictures over at the other table where they were checking adam out and showing them to me.  it was unbelievable seeing the pictures and i just couldn't wait to see him in the flesh. the paediatric nurses handed adam to mr. wannabe for the first time and that's when i saw the tears in daddy's eyes too. what a moment...what a day!   adam was wide eyed and blinking lots because of the bright lights. he weaseled one of his hands out of the swaddle immediately and started sucking on it ... i don't know why, but i thought this was the cutest thing i'd ever seen! after the 3 of us spent some quality time together, mr. wannabe took our little man out to meet our parents who were waiting outside the operating room and then brought him back to me so the three of us could hang out until dr. love was finished putting momma back together. once he was done, we were in recover for a few hours and then put into our own room where we remained for the next 4 days.

my c-section recover has been amazing. adam is nearly 5 weeks old and i feel like i'm back to my old self. my body is another story though...   i am 9lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight but still way high for what my usual norm is. damn fertility drugs!   i've also got a belly and a "shelf" right above the incision and i'm anxious to work this off. so i've got my work cut out for me over the summer. i'd like to lose about 40lbs total.

i'm already dreaming about baby number 2.   we have 1 frozen kidsicle and i'm hoping beyond hope that it will turn into a take home baby for late 2012. it feels piggish to even suggest for a moment that we'd be lucky enough and a fet would work. it seems too easy given that we won the lottery with adam being in our lives after only 1 ivf ... but i'm hoping....

four weeks old tomorrow

2011-05-24T10:00:00.000-04:00

i have been trying to post something for weeks now. my lack of blogging and catching up with all of you is primarily because of 2 things... the first and most obvious... this new little 10lb (yes, he's 10lbs now!!) pooping, eating, crying, snuggling machine that has taken over our lives! the second is that mr. wannabe doesn't know that i blog about our lives and would be really mad at me if he found out i did. he's a private guy that doesn't believe in blogging ... he doesn't like facebook or any other social networking type websites either so blogging about our lives would really piss him off. we've been lucky as he was able to take 1 full month off after adam was born so we've been spending all of our time together as a new family of 3 which leaves little time for sneaking away to blog. he's out playing hockey now and our little man is snoozing away, so i'm jumping at the opportunity to catch everyone up.

the short version is - being a mommy rocks my world. it is the most wonderfully exciting and emotional journey i've been on in my life thus far. i look at adam every day in complete and utter awe of his very existence. he truly is the great love of my life. mr. wannabe and i haven't known a love like this before and we both believe that we have about as much love for each other as a couple can have. being parents has brought us closer together as well. we are both so amazed with our son.

its not all rosey though... some days are hard. here's some of the "dirty" side of it all:

breastfeeding is hard. we had a really tough time in the first few weeks (although thank GAWD i haven't had any of the issues that bunny has had.... bunny - my heart bleeds for you girl!). my colostrum took a few days to come in and so adam was having a rough time latching properly in the hospital. so i started pumping and that helped but it also made my nipples raw which then made every breastfeeding session feel like torture. we're over that now and the latch is good and instant every time, but adam likes the teet. he's definitely a boob man. i am feeding him all the fucking time these days. he must be going through a growth spurt right now because he's on the boob every 1.5 to 2 hours - for an hour each time (1/2 hr per boob). its tough to do anything else like sleep, go to the washroom, shower...
baby blues are real. i didn't have a serious case of the blues but i cried a lot. and when i say a lot, i mean a fuck load. in the first two weeks, i cried every day and some days, i was really down all day long for no reason. it was hard as hell ... but the sane side of me realized that it was purely hormonal and would pass. thankfully, it did pass and pretty fast. i was close to calling dr love to talk to him about it but i seem to be on the other side of it now. its been almost two weeks since i've had any tears at all.
i'm really fucking tired. but i can function much better on less sleep than i thought i'd be able to. for this, i am grateful.
the little man shits and farts like no other human being i have ever been around. nuff said.

i was reading adele's recent post today and it brought me back to my pregnancy at 19 weeks. adele, if you're reading this, just know that notwithstanding how hard it was for you to get to this point, the odds are overwhelming stacked in your favour now my friend. so try to enjoy your pregnancy with your baby boy!! because it is such a magical time. believe me, i know just how hard this is to do... but i'm looking back at my pregnancy now with a weird nostalgia ... wondering if it'll be the only time i experience pregnancy and dare i say it, missing it some days.

i think of all of you daily, those of you still trying to get and stay pregnant, those pregnant and sitting on pins and needles through T1, and those of you past T1 and still stacked with all the same worries that i carried through to the day of adam's birth. i wish for uneventful, healthy, NORMAL pregnancies for all of you. and i'm hoping that you hang in there ... PLEASE hang in there. know that i'm thinking of you all the time and wishing that your dreams of becoming a mom come true. here's evidence that mine did...

snuggled up on day 1

moments after birth. we think he looks like a glow worm here.

hey mom... look at me rockin my soother and swing!

rockin my zero month onesie

i love my son

2011-05-03T10:32:00.002-04:00

yes, that's right. we have a son! i am a mom. i'm crying writing this. it is every single thing i thought it would be and more. its exhilarating, emotional, filled with feelings of love and protection i didn't know i had, mr. wannabe and i are closer than we've ever been and i can say with absolute certainty that he was worth every needle, every struggle, every negative result, test, procedure, long agonizing wait and every failure that came before him. he is amazing.

i can't believe it.

he is perfect in every way!

8lbs, 6oz, born on April 27 at 8:19 am. his name is Adam.

i'll post more details and a few pictures soon, but for now, i'm going to go back to snuggling my baby boy!

tomorrow!

2011-04-26T19:17:00.000-04:00

i can't believe it.

mr wannabe and i are stumbling around the house right now not quite sure what to do with ourselves. we're cooking meals to freeze, packing and re-packing bags, i've cried over baby clothes twice today, checking my purse over and over again for my health card, benefits card, camera, blackberry, chargers, dropping dogs off at dog sitters, etc etc etc.

i don't know how i will ever sleep tonight. i'm so wired.

tomorrow my life changes in ways i can't even imagine.

tomorrow.

i can't wait to share this day with all of you!

wish us luck :)

38w2d belly pics

2011-04-23T11:33:00.000-04:00

thanks for all your encouraging comments on my last post. i really am trying to keep the terrified feelings at bay and, its actually working some of the time. one thing i am sure of, i'm not alone! bunny and sierra both posted about similar fears/anxieties within days of me. i'm not sure if this is a pregnancy after IF thing or if this is just all part of the gig generally. who knows.

what i do know is that i am 4 days away from meeting our beloved gigantor. that's something to get crazy excited about! for now, i'll leave you with a few belly pics taken earlier this morning. gigantor really is gigantic. the sympathetic looks i get from women everywhere these days are becoming more and more hysterical to mr. wannabe and i!

ready and terrified

2011-04-20T11:31:00.000-04:00

i'm so ready.

i'm so terrified.

those are 2 thoughts that swirl through my head constantly these days. i'm terrified that something is going to go wrong. i can't shake it. i'm trying very hard to.

i had my last ultrasound this morning and gigantor is weighing in at just under 9lbs. the tech said its a good thing i'm having a c-section and that its early. this got me thinking there's something else going on ... or that the extra fluid problem is worse this week. its called polyhy.dramnios and i googled it. i couldn't help myself. i'm not happy about what i've read but at the same time, there are lots of stories out there on different boards where women were in my exact position and everything turned out fine.

i'm just ready to be one of those stories....you know, of the "everything worked out fine" variety.

1 week to go.

i'm so ready.

i'm so terrified.

its almost time

2011-04-18T08:41:00.001-04:00

dr. love seems happy with my progress so far ... with a few minor exceptions. i have too much amniotic fluid (borer line case). wtf? i've never heard of this before. its a "condition", the name of which escapes me right now. and for once, i'm not googling the shit out of it because, while he said its not ideal, he didn't really make a big deal out of it. i'm too far along in this pregnancy to let the frady cat feelings of doom fall all around me.

the coles notes on the "condition" are:

lots of extra swelling in the legs and feet (seems to make sense now)
i'm measuring a full 4 weeks ahead - gigantor is still, well, gigantic.
the extra fluid is rare (usually only 1 to 2% of the time). makes sense with my ability to catch the 1-10% of the odds.
50% of the time, this means nothing. 25% of the time, it indicates gestational diabetes. 25% of the time it indicates some pretty awful stuff but he decided not to get into that with me because he's never seen this happen before.
in situations like this, babies are generally born before their due date.

after saying all of this to me, he assured me that the baby looks great. s/he is passing the bpp profiles weekly with flying colours (8/8) and has no signs of stress whatsoever. if s/he did, i'd be in the hospital having a c-section the day of the bpp test. his feeling is that i have gestational diabetes that has gone undetected (notwithstanding i passed the glucose test back at 26 weeks) which he does see fairly regularly. he's been saying this to me for weeks now because of gigantor's size. my weight gain has shot up from 32 lbs to 40 lbs in a short period of time, largely because of fluid.

the second problem with gigantor is not just that s/he is huge, but the abdominal circumference is measuring in the 97th percentile while the head is measuring in the 86th percentile. essentially, our baby has a beer belly already. the fear is that i'll go into labour, the head will come out and the abdominal area will get stuck in my pelvic bone. that sounds like a party in my vaginal area for both the baby and i, doesn't it?

so, going forward, here's what we're doing:

c-section booked for april 27*. dr. love says these are all soft indicators of having to go this route and the decision is entirely up to us. he did say, however, that he will not let me go past my due date so, unless labour comes naturally, i will be induced before my due date. i want this baby, our child, to be healthy and happy. i'm not taking any chances. this is an easy decision for us. c-section recovery is harder, i know. but dislocating the baby's shoulders during childbirth to get him/her out is much less appealing to me and so i'm going with the c-section.
if my water breaks before then, i'm to go directly to the hospital, and not wait it out at home for 12 hours like they told me to last week.
i've cut sweets out entirely until i give birth.
make sure i feel lots of movement - if i don't, go to the hospital.
until then, i'm to take it easy but live my life. he told us to go out for dinner, spend time together, as this is our last few weeks as a twosome.

he's not worried about all of this. he's just giving me all the facts (as he says) but feels that everything is still going really well and that i shouldn't worry. he then went on to talk about the hockey playoffs with mr. wannabe for about 15 minutes while i sat there on the table shitting my drawers about all this information. he finally came back the issues at hand and told me to relax and not worry. if there's something to worry about, he'd be taking action now. mr wannabe said this to me in the car on the way home again. he felt that he wouldn't be talking hockey talk if there was something to be really stressed out about.

so i worried all day thursday and the better part of friday. but the balance of the weekend and today, i'm deciding to be positive. 9 days from now, i will finally meet gigantor. and i can't wait.

*please..not comments from any haters of the decision to go with a c-section for these reasons...

and here we are

2011-04-14T12:48:00.000-04:00

37 weeks. full term. wholly shit.

i can't believe it.

ultrasound yesterday was pretty bad ass... it showed gigantor practicing breathing, swallowing, neat stuff like that.   gigantor is super active these days and i'm loving every second of it. soaking it up actually.... this may be my only pregnancy so i'm not taking one second of it for granted.   i sat in the rocker in G's room last night and read my book. well, i tried to read my book... i just couldn't focus.   the reality of sitting in G's room knowing that s/he will be here soon is fucking incredible.

my girlfriends threw a shower for me this past weekend and it was all kinds of cool.   hard to be the centre of attention but awesome all at the same time.   Gigantor is one lucky baby ... we were "showered" with amazing gifts.

i had myself a little bit of false labour on sunday night... up all night on the phone to the hospital but it turned out to be a false alarm. i'll elaborate more on that later.   but it meant i was off work all day monday so i spent the day going through all the gifts and washing all the little people clothes - i was in heaven!

off to see dr. love now and see what the state of affairs is.   i'll update more later.

2 weeks from full term

2011-04-01T11:20:00.002-04:00

hot damn!

gigantor is getting closer and closer to his/her mommy's arms :)

tales from the third trimester

2011-03-29T12:17:00.000-04:00

the jugs are starting to hurt like a son-of-a-bitch again.   i've heard this can happen in the first trimester but i was hoping that i'd escaped it because until now, they had been ok. huge, but ok. now, i'm getting the achiness and all that junk again.   i guess its the girls getting ready to feed gigantor which, i'm sure, will be no small task. that's ok - they're happy to do it.

sleep continues to be a challenge but nothing i can't handle. i do find it interesting that i'm waking up every 3 hours to go to the bathroom.   i go to bed around 9pm (yes, i'm an old lady now) and i wake up every night at midnight for pee numero uno. then back to bed and up again at 3am for pee numero deux.  most mornings i wake at 6am again but try to go back to sleep until 6:45 when the alarm goes off ... if i'm successful, i'm busting at 6:45 to pee again.   where is all of this pee coming from?     it feels like my body is establishing a pattern of waking every 3 hours. coincidence?   i think not.

i had a woman look at me the other day in a food court line up waiting for lunch ... she asked if i was still working and i said yes. she was in awe of my size and asked how much longer i have ... and then said what has now become old news to me ... "you must be due ANY DAY now!".   i told her i still had 6 weeks to go and she looked at me like i was lying to her.   then she told me that there's no way i'd go another 6 weeks and that i should be ready to have this baby any day.   really? thanks slut.

gigantor will be here when he or she is good and ready ... and until then, i will do my very best to embrace every new stretch mark i get on my legs and butt, every middle of the night pee break, rib jab, dr appt, backache, and anything else s/he can throw at me. we're on gigantor's time clock now... nobody elses!

34 weeks - gigantor update

2011-03-24T14:52:00.000-04:00

34 weeks today!

had my first bpp profile done on gigantor yesterday and s/he scored an 8/8 thankfully.   i was nervous during this ultrasound because it was a bpp profile rather than a normal ultrasound.   i had the great tech who knows just what to say and do every time i have an ultrasound. i love this woman.   as she was leaving the room to go and get mr. wannabe, she turned the screen and said "feast your eyes on this while i get your husband" and there it was.... the most amazing 3d photo of our baby.   i started crying... it was crazy! i felt like i was meeting my baby for the first time because the picture on the screen was so clear and you could see actual features on the baby's face. it was a moment i'll never forget. ever.   we'll have these bpp profiles done weekly from now until i somehow give birth to gigantor.

speaking of gigantor, s/he now weighs more than 6lbs and average for this time is 4.5lbs   dr love is looking at me and all my 5'2" frame and shaking his head.   he thinks we may be headed for early induction or c-section but time will tell. i don't care at all, as long as our baby is delivered safe and happy, we're good.

we did a tour of the hospital yesterday and while walking through the hall where all the birthing rooms are, i heard several loud moans and yelps. i felt as though i may shit my pants from the anxiety of it all. i've never really given much thought to how much this is going to hurt, etc. as every woman has a different labour experience and mine will be what it will be. that said, hearing the cries and moans made me feel like a bit of a frady cat. i held the hubs hand a little tighter and he suggested that it was a sign of things to come for him!

we picked up our cord blood banking kit this morning. i'm happy to have that all dealt with - there are so many choices of companies to bank with and, on top of that, the choice to bank at all, so after much research and discussion, we've decided to go ahead with it.   glad to have that all dealt with until the big birthday.

so, i think we're about as ready as we can be now. my friends are throwing me a shower in 2 weeks so we've held off on buying anything further for now.   we have all the important stuff on the off chance that gigantor decides he or she would like to join mom and dad a little earlier than planned so i'm feeling pretty good about that. there's lots of organizing i'd still like to get done at our house and we're plugging away at that but otherwise, we're good.

bring on week 35.

belly shots for post 100

2011-03-19T23:07:00.002-04:00

here are some update of belly shots of baby wannabe, also fondly known as gigantor. we last left off at 19 weeks. i remember feeling like i was enormous back then.... and then i look at these and it busts me right up. who knew i could grow this much?

here i am at 25 weeks:

and again at 30 wks:

and tonight...33w2d (nice shot of the popped out belly button in the second photo):

its funny...the 30wk picture looks bigger than the 33wk picture but i can assure you, its the other way around. now you can probably appreciate why my back hurts so much. that's some big ass belly i've got goin on!

33 weeks

2011-03-18T12:35:00.000-04:00

where does the time go?   i've been terrible at updating this blog lately... i'm not feeling any creative juices flowing these days as far as posting is concerned.   i think the baby has eaten that part of my brain. actually, i think the baby may have eaten my entire brain.

i continue to grow at warp speed. i'm up a total of 24lbs now at 33 weeks. i started feeling pretty jazzed about getting through this pregnancy without any stretch marks and then it happened... but not on my belly or boobage area, on my upper thighs. seriously?   what kind of a sick fucking joke is that?   say goodbye to the bathing suit ENTIRELY!!    i've said from day 1 that i've had a weird leg thing going on with this pregnancy.... they're like tree trunks.   my thighs are absolutely hooooge and my calves? forget about it.   i'm hoping some of this is from swelling (which i have an abundance of as well) but i dont' think it is.   i'll chalk it up to war wounds. i'm looking forward to getting my body back but at the same time, pregnancy is such a privilege and amazing journey and i know i'm going to miss it when baby wannabe arrives.

i've been continuing with weekly dr appts with dr love and all is well.   i'm growing gigantor - the baby is measuring in the 90th percentile which would explain the size of my belly.   he thinks that based on this, i could go early, whether it be because of induction early due to size or he also said sometimes its natures way of dealing with big babies ... they come early sometimes.   he told us he'd like to see me stay preggo until 36 weeks but after that, they wouldn't do anything to prevent labour. i'm going to start having ultrasounds where they do the bpp profile on the baby next week, and weekly after that, just to make sure the baby is happy.   i lost my shit looking up bpp profiles on the internet and the reasons they do them but was quickly assured by dr love that he's just doing them to check in on baby w and that there's nothing wrong now nor is there any reason to believe something will go wrong.   i'm happy with that answer and it means we get a weekly peak!

i was sitting in baby w's room last night and was overwhelmed by it all.  we are so ready to have this baby we've wanted for so long and worked so hard for. i almost feel like i'm living in a dream sometimes and i'm going to wake up and it'll all be gone. and then the baby gives me a few swift kicks in the bladder and i know its all real again.   we don't have our take home baby yet... but its looking more and more like that might actually be the end outcome here.   and i can't wait to me him/her.

pissy pants

2011-03-08T09:08:00.001-05:00

i was up all last night coughing which meant our entire house was up as well. i have a terrible chest cold. it definitely sucks ass being sick while pregnant and not being able to take anything to relieve the chest pain, sore throat, etc.

but what's worse and hysterical all at the same time? i pee'd my pants 3 times last night while coughing. so much so that i had to get up and change. 3 times. yep. pissed myself. at 3am, i didn't know if i should laugh or cry.

needless to say, i crawled into work today wearing a pee pee pad and have some extras in my purse for good measure. its one thing to piss yourself in the comfort of your own home, but out in public? that's where i draw the line!

31 weeks

2011-03-04T12:29:00.000-05:00

since we passed the 20 week hurdle and the big anatomy scan, i think i've been doing a great job at keeping any nerves about this pregnancy and what can go wrong at bay.   i find though, that so much of the worry comes from stupid off the cuff things the different wankers in the "baby" business say to us vulnerable pregnant woman.

2 weeks ago, we had an ultrasound at 29 weeks and just as i was leaving, i asked the tech what the baby's weight was and she told me 3lbs 1oz. right after that, she threw in that the baby's head was measuring on the big side. thankfully, i was going to see dr. love the next day and when i asked him about it he immediately quashed my worries about having a bobble headed baby and told me the baby was measuring in the 63rd percentile and not to worry at all.

i had an ultrasound this morning at 31 weeks. this woman was like a vault.   getting information out of her was not easy. she didn't even try to get any good pictures.   i asked at the end of the ultrasound if everything looked ok and she just gave me a stern "yes".    and then, as i'm gathering my things, i asked her the baby's weight and she looked at me and said "your baby is definitely not small! it already weighs 4lbs!"   so i ask her if that is normal or if the size of the baby is something i should be worrying about and then she gets all tight lipped on me again. "oh, i can discuss that with you, you'll have to wait and discuss that with your dr. i'm not allowed to tell you anything, blah blah blah".    then why the fuck did you tell me that i'm growing a monster baby in the first place slut??

i came into work and immediately dr googled the shit out of how big my baby should be now and there's a range from 3lbs to 4lbs littered throughout the various websites so i'm not worrying about it. my next appt with dr. love is next thursday and between now and then, i'm going to enjoy every kick, roll and poke i get from monster baby just like i did before this morning.   but seriously, why say anything at all if she wasn't planning on calming me down afterwards?!    doesn't she realize this is my fucking baby we're talking about?!   sheesh!

otherwise, everything is good.   no real complaints from this cat.   back pain and heartburn seem to be an hourly aggravation, but otherwise, i'm doing great.   i took some bare belly pictures last week - maybe i'll take some more tonight and post them for your viewing pleasure. i know you're all sitting on the edge of your seats just waiting to see my belly, right?

30 weeks!

2011-02-24T16:27:00.000-05:00

30 weeks today.   woohoo!   i can't believe that we're on the 10 week countdown now. it really makes me anxious to start finalizing some loose ends like getting the nursery set up and done, turning my mind to packing a hospital bag (eek!) and think of how the heck i'm going to wrap things up at work inside of the 8 weeks i have left here. its really hard to fathom not coming into work for an entire year - but i can't wait!!!

baby wannabe is a strapping 3lbs1oz (as per my U/S last week) and is bustin a move most of the day these days. i love.every.second.of.it. i'm not being woken up by movements but when i am up in the middle of the night to pee, i always lie in bed afterwards and marvel at all the movin and shakin going on in there... she's a party girl like her mommy!   i'm starting to feel really curious about what she (or he) looks like, what our first moments meeting each other on the "outside" and what our first days will be like. I'm also starting to wonder what the labour experience will be like.

the best way to describe how i'm physically feeling these days is BIG and HEAVY. my belly is huge and, while i've only gained 22lbs and am measuring on track, dr. love admits that i look humongous.  he suggests that this is because i'm so short and that different women carry in different ways - i, of course, am one of the lucky ones that carry BIG.   at 28 weeks, i had a woman look at me in the lineup at the grocery store and say "whew! you must be due any day now"..... no - 12 weeks to go slut, but thanks for pointing out my hugeness.

my only other complaints would be groin and lower back pain, which i think is normal considering my belly is throwing my equilibrium way off, and sleeping - or the lack thereof.   i have a tough time getting myself IN the bed (yes, i'm much like a 100 year old lady these days), and then once i'm actually in bed, getting comfortable is another thing all together. once i get comfy and nod off to sleep, i usually either wake up to pee or roll over onto my back which wakes me up right away.   then i start all over again ... lather.rinse.repeat. please don't read this and think that i'm ungrateful for even one second - i'm one of those bitches that loves being pregnant and will take all of these aches and discomforts GLADLY!   but i do want an honest record somewhere so that if we can (insert hope here) have a second kid, i can look back and see how i felt at the different stages.

big congrats to Adele who saw a heart beat at a little over 6wks. hop over to her house to send her some love!

Hellooo 3T!

2011-02-10T12:16:00.000-05:00

today marks the beginning of the third trimester. what a great feeling this is. i've said it a million times before and i'll say it again ... time is flying and standing still all at the same time.   i can't believe in 12 short weeks, we'll be saying hello to our baby for the first time. 2 will finally become 3.   the year of the take home baby (props to Roccie again!).

i had my weekly appt with dr love this morning. i'm up a total of 21lbs now. ouch.   everything else is checking out great.   baby w is weighing 2lbs5oz - he says this is 63rd percentile and he's happy with that. i have another ultrasound next wednesday to see whats going on.

otherwise, everything is just cruising along. i'm still having pelvic pressure but nothing like week 24 so dr love is still keeping a close eye on everything but thinks this just may be the way my body is dealing with the extra weight. as long as i know its not a problem, i can take it.   i am so big that i'm starting to feel uncomfortable - particularly at the end of the day.   still have full time snotisitus and elephantitus of the ankles. but again - minor complaints - i'll take it. all of it.

we're slowly getting our house ready. mr. wannabe is diligently working away on the *ball buster* list of things i'd like done before baby arrives. the best part of it all is that he's doing it with zero complaints. he really is the best husband! well, except for this morning when he told me he was seeing extra weight in my ass, legs and arms as well as my belly.   men can be so dense.... i mean, i know this to be true... but he really doesn't have to say it out loud.

the baby is moving a lot now and the movements feel different. sort of like the ticker says today, less gymnastics, more kicks and jabs. very true for me right now.

a heartfelt congrats goes out to Leslie on the birth of her daughter!!  i can't wait to read your updates and see more pictures of beautiful Penelope!    another heartfelt congrats is going out to Adele on a terrific second beta!   i'm rooting for Adele all the way as i know how rocky the road has been.   its Adele's turn, universe - please let this be the one for her. these 2 women absolutely rock - they were 2 of the first blogs i started reading and really feel like they're genuine friends in real life.    i'll continue stalking about both of your blogs for many years to come, i'm sure.

27 week update and random tidbits

2011-02-04T18:37:00.000-05:00

27 weeks. holy.monkey.balls. when did that happen? a few tidbits of life for lisa these days:

i'm feeling great these days. big as a house but great. i have a new found fascination for my belly button. bitch was so deep i never thought i'd see the end of her but here we are... just days away from a full pop out. mr wannabe thinks i have an unnatural obsession with it and who's kidding who - i probably do.
i'm still seeing dr love weekly and getting constant reassurance from both my appts with him and bi-weekly ultrasounds. love the bi-weekly peak at baby W. we're researching cord blood banking now. we'll definitely do this but we're deciding on who to bank with - it seems its big business so we're trying to make the right decision for us. if we're banking it, we want the company we choose to be viable in 20 years...
i've registered and, but for including a few additional items, i think i'm done. that was a crazy experience. between my mother telling me what to do and the random biznatch mom's in the store throwing their 2 cents in ... i was ready to commit myself by the end of the day. i guess current mom's (we'll assume they're fertile bitches too) see the pregnant woman staring at a wall of bottles and can't help but ram their advice down your throat. i've never received more unsolicited advice in my life.
baby W is movin and shakin pretty regularly although every once in a while, there's a quieter day or period of time and my mind starts going ... i LOVE being pregnant ... and there is so much i will miss about being pregnant when baby W finally arrives but this? this i won't miss at all. my dr hasn't asked me to start doing kick counts but i know its coming. should be in the next week or 2 anyway. that ought to drive me straight to the loonie bin. you'll all still check on me there, right?
i feel like we have a lot of stuff to get done before the baby arrives but i'm not stressed or freaking out about it. i started what i call the "ball buster list" and put that on the fridge. its a list of random house stuff i'd like mr. wannabe to get done before the baby arrives which includes putting up a kitchen light fixture. one might question what the fuck that has to do with the baby's arrival ... ahem. he's been chipping away at it and, like the trooper he is, its getting done slowly but surely.
we've settled on a girl's name but we're struggling with a boy's name. neither of us like boy names as much as girl names so narrowing it to 1 or 2 top names we both like is challenging.
i love sugar. put anything sweet in front of me and i'd fight you for it. i'd probably win too. i'm badass. loved it before too, but now its an intense burning gotta have it now love. not good for the ass.

and with that, i'll leave you all to your weekend. i suck at commenting lately but i've been trying to keep up and i'm reading some good positive stuff out there. as always, you're all in my thoughts :)

happy to report...

2011-01-27T16:52:00.000-05:00

... that i passed the 1 hour glucose test! and that's a good thing... because i can't imagine going even one day without gobbling something sweet. i'd be a grump ass preggo if i had to go on a restricted diet. mr wannabe is thanking the gods above on this one.

i am anemic though so i've added an iron supplement to my daily pill popping regime as per dr. love's orders.

otherwise, we're all good for another week... u/s and 27wk check up next thurs.

bring on week 27.

100 days to go!

2011-01-25T10:38:00.000-05:00

i remember when i first put my ticker up in this post. i was so worried that i would jinx the entire pregnancy by doing so. i also remember feeling somewhat daunted by the fact that i had 213 days to go. looking at that felt like an eternity and yet, i was more than happy to wake up everyday and take it one day at a time.

and here i am on the cusp of knocking a digit off that ticker... next time i do that, i'll really be in the home stretch. little milestones along the way... they mean so much!

i also realized that i missed my year anniversary of starting this blog. january 18 was my first post. man, what a difference a year can make. i have read that statement from many of you many times... but never really appreciated how much can change in a year.

so, on to the double digit countdown - come on single numbers!!

no more house arrest

2011-01-22T15:15:00.000-05:00

dr. love has lifted my house arrest status.   in the last week, i've had 2 manual cervix checks and a full cervical measurement by wandy (oh how i have missed wandy).   i've also had another full look at baby wannabe via ultrasound and i am so happy to report that all looks great at this point.   what a big fat fucking relief. we're now going to see him weekly until the end of this pregnancy for manual cervix checks. pain in the ass to get there weekly but so totally worth it to put my crazy mind at ease.   i'm up a total of 13lbs but feel and look like i've eaten both our pugs, my husband and the family room.   i still marvel at the fact that i've only gained 13lbs. it just seems impossible when i look at myself. i'll post another belly shot soon.

i'm still having mild pelvic pressure and worry about what that will turn into when i go back to work on monday and i'm commuting back and forth everyday on top of my 9-5 hours but we'll figure that out as we go.   dr. love has given me strict instructions to get my aching ass to the hospital if any uncomfortable pain persists.

with all that said, we're now at a stage where we feel like we can start getting ready for this baby. we bought a stroller and car seat the other day. i nearly wet myself at the thought of buying something that our real life baby will sleep/sit/travel in. it all seems so crazy still, at 25 weeks.    my husband nearly wet himself at the price of the stroller and car seat... but its pretty damn versatile. hell, i wish they made one big enough for me to sit in and him to push me around in. we decided on this bad boy:

i'm picking paint colours for the nursery today and we have a guy coming to paint this week. we have a crib and change table that have been given to us by my SIL and my parents are buying us a glider/rocker chair and ottoman. we're having the closet re-done in the baby's room complete with an area to hang stuff but also a bunch of drawers and shelves as well. this will be done in mid feb so that about does it other than actual decorations. i figure we'll pick stuff up and decorate as we go once the baby is here and we know if we're dealing with pink parts or blue parts.

that's about all i've got for now. i hope everyone is having a great weekend. i'm sending all of my positive thoughts to Adele who's ivf was just converted to an iui due to poor response. i really really really fucking hope that this iui works and Adele is picking out strollers and paint colours in no time.

modified bed rest

2011-01-17T08:49:00.000-05:00

i'm here. and i'm still pregnant. but i'm on modified bed rest. argh.

holidays were great - not too many griswald moments although there were some... after the holidays, it was back to work and with that started some mild pelvic pressure which turned into intense pelvic pain.  lucky for me, it got just a little worse every day.   now, being the virgin preggo (talk about a mix of words there...), i thought this was all normal. i am gaining weight at lightening speed (up to 18 lbs now - eek!) and have a bump that would impress even the most pregnant of women.  so it makes sense that i have this rushing pain in my pelvic area, right?

umm. no.

dr love gave me all kinds of crap. i was in to see him on thursday and he sent me home to bed. he threatened 8 weeks but said we'd start with 1 and re-assess. apparently, this pain can be the first sign of preterm labour.   what? eeeeeek!   everything else checked out fine, baby's heart rate looks good, blood pressure good, manual cervix check suggested that my cervix was long and closed. i haven't had any contractions (thank god!) and have no other symptoms of preterm labour. i pee'd in a cup so they could run a full urinalysis (not sure what he's looking for here) and i'm going for an ultrasound today to get a proper cervical length measurement and then i'm back to see dr. love on thurs.

so, here i am "working from home" this week. the good news? relaxing at home = no pelvic pressure. at all. fucking a.   i'm really hoping i can get back to work and get at least a month more in before mat leave. i can't imagine being off for a good chunk of, or even worse, the balance of this pregnancy, and then taking a year mat leave... some one's gotta clean up the work in my office!!

i haven't been reading, commenting, nothing. i'm going to try to catch up with all of you this week.... i hope there's lots of good news out there :)

a mixed bag of stuff

2010-12-22T12:00:00.000-05:00

i'm in the final half.   how did that happen?   the first 20 weeks went by slow and fast all at the same time. lots and lots of appointments, needles, ultrasounds, progesterone suppositories, vomitting, sleeping, not sleeping, dreaming crazy dreams, growing, not enough pooping (thanks to the constipation gods), worrying, worrying some more, runny noses, big belly, and then one final confirmation that, so far, everything looks great.

the day i turned 20 weeks pregnant was the day the dr confirmed to me with those 3 words - "everything looks great", that i'm just like every other fertile pregnant woman at 20 weeks.  i'm not there yet. i'm feeling good, great actually. but i still can't let myself get too cocky. i still catch myself referring to "if" the baby comes in may instead of "when".   those old battle scars are there, and the worry never goes away.  i can't read stories about women losing babies anywhere from 20 weeks on. it upsets me too much and scares the hell out of me all at the same time. i can't look at stats anymore.   numbers and odds are not something that interest me.  they scare the fuck out of me. my husband wants to wrap me in bubble wrap for the next 19 weeks. he's afraid of me wiping out again.   i want the bubble wrap to insulate me from anything bad happening.

i'm so grateful and thankful to be here... i can't even really put it into words.   there are none that would come close to doing justice.   i am also grateful to each and every one of you. you carried me through the hardest time of my life.   you've done for me what my husband, family and friends could not. you've made a world of difference in my life and i truly hope someday that i can meet some of you face to face to express my gratitude in person.

my Christmas wish is that all of you, still deep in the trenches, achieve your goals, whatever they may be. i understand that you may not read this anymore, but i follow you... religiously and i'm hoping and wishing that 2011 brings you the family you so desire.

and with that, i'm signing off for 2010.   Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

phew!

2010-12-16T15:34:00.001-05:00

another hurdle successfully jumped!

we had our anatomy scan this morning and managed to get through it without any hiccups at all and also managed to keep the gender a mystery for another day.

baby wannabe looks about as perfect as a baby can look at this point, four chambers of the heart were there, beautiful spine, all the organs in the right spot, and all the measurements checked out just great! the dr also said that my cervix looks "good". i wanted more info than that but that's all i got from him.

the best part, by far, was watching the baby flip and turn and suck its fingers. supreme awesomeness! i couldn't feel a lot of the movement that was going on but the dr just laughed at me and assured me the baby would be keeping me up at night with all its movements in just a few weeks.   he suggested we may have a little athlete on our hands. i fucking loved hearing that!

we'll get the official report from dr. love tomorrow morning but we've been assured that baby wannabe is just fine!

dreams

2010-12-15T11:57:00.000-05:00

i had a terrible dream last night...

without boring you with all the details, toward the end of the dream i was in the air parachuting, i think, and my right arm was on fire. i landed on the ground and rolled into a somersault (arm still on fire) and was sure my baby was dead as a result of the fall.   nobody was helping me (arm still on fire) and i was devastated that it was a very good possibility that my baby was dead.

pregnancy dreams are strange. i swear you can tell the difference between the dreams of an infertile pregnant woman that has worked her ass off to get where she is and the dreams of a fertile pregnant woman who just, well, got knocked up.

they're all strange, i'm sure.  but the fertile pregnant woman is probably dancing with mickey mouse at disney land while eating lollipops and chasing butterflies and the infertile pregnant woman is trying to land from a terrifying fall in a way that protects her unborn baby (all the while, with her arm on fire).

we have our 20wk anatomy scan tomorrow.   anytime i am just about to reach a milestone in this pregnancy, i have these crazy, terrifying and devastating dreams leading up to it.   so far, my dreams have only proven that the infertile in me is still alive and kicking and that subconsciously i am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

it hasn't dropped yet...and the rational me has no reason to believe it will.

is it tomorrow yet?

that's right.

2010-12-11T10:12:00.000-05:00

presiden.t's choice candy cane fudge crackle ice cream.

fucking awesome.

ass size?

not so good.

nuff said.

at long last...

2010-12-08T22:28:00.000-05:00

here they are - belly pics. don't all scream at once.

this one is at 16 weeks:

and here I am in all my glory at 17 weeks:

i missed 18 weeks. i was probably busy eating a block of cheese or a tub of ice cream.

here is one from tonight - just one day shy of 19 weeks:

I know what you're thinking. "She MUST be having twins!"

prenatal screening results

2010-12-02T15:04:00.000-05:00

we went to see dr. love today for the results of our prenatal screening.   our results are 1 in 280. huh.   i was hoping for 1 in a gazillion billion trillion. but we're 1 in 280.   average for 39yr old women is 1 in 40.

we've decided that we're not doing the amnio. we tried so fucking hard to get here that i just can't bring myself to risk being in that 3% that miscarry as a result.   and, at the end of the day, we're looking at odds of less than 1% that our baby will have downs.

for the record, dr love basically called it a negative and said he wouldn't recommend an amnio based on these numbers.   he also said my weight is great (lost a lb this time around, so i'm up 6 in total), he's happy with the size of my belly, heart rate is excellent and he says i look healthy and glowing (can't say i didn't eat that last comment up!)

i'd love to hear your stories.... but please - good stories only.   don't freak an infertile pregnant woman out any more than she needs to be!

oh yeah.... belly pics to come soon. camera cord is downstairs and camera and computer are upstairs... i'm always too much of a lazy sack of shit to get the damn cord when i'm at the computer thinking about posting my pictures. but they're coming, i promise!!!

it's happened.

2010-11-22T11:32:00.001-05:00

i feel it. that burst of energy that i've heard women talking about. its here! today, i feel like i could conquer the world.   and the funny thing is, it happened overnight.

let me preface this next statement by saying this is most definitely not me complaining about pregnancy... at all. in fact, i wouldn't change a thing about the last 16 weeks - vomitting, exhaustion, constipation and all.   but... i am so happy to leave that behind (well, mild constipation excepted)! its hard to feel like hot sweaty ass for the better part of 4 months.

i took a belly picture the other day to satisfy all you nosey fuckers out there (haha...i kid, i kid!) and i'll get that posted soon.   its a picture with a hoody on though. i just can't bring myself to subject all of you to the white mound of flesh that is my belly right now.

16 weeks!

2010-11-19T10:02:00.000-05:00

i went to see dr. love yesterday for my 16 week checkup. here's a breakdown of the status of affairs in wannabe land:

i have gained 5lbs in 4 weeks and 7lbs in total. he's telling me this is too much and he'd be happy if i gained only an additional 10lbs for the entire pregnancy. yeah. i said what the fuck too? 17lbs in total? whateves. my un-pregnant self could probably gain 17lbs in a weekend if i went on a bender!
no ultrasound yesterday - boo! heard the heartbeat by doppler though.... such an awesome sound.
i am a swollen blimp and he's worried about that so early in the pregnancy. i talked with him about compression socks and he's not so hot on them because of potential blood clotting issues. that's all i needed to hear - no compression socks for me... he's told me i absolutely must drink lots and lots of water and put my feet up at the end of every day. i made sure the hubs heard this one so he doesn't think i'm a suckass taking advantage of the sitchiation.
STILL no sex. full pelvic rest (which means no orgasm) until my 19 week ultrasound so they can get a good look at my cervix. last time we had sex was, well, about 100 years ago. this girl's gettin a little hungry for some lovin.
results of IPS testing in 2 weeks but first round of blood work was all good so we're not too worried about it. if the numbers come back unfavourable, then we'd rush to do an amnio but we've decided that we're not going that route unless there's a reason for us to believe something may be wrong.
19 week ultrasound booked for 3 weeks from now. can't wait for that. dr. love also said he's do monthly ultrasounds after that, just because. love it.

other than the weight discussion, the appt was good. i still love dr. love. but seriously though, wtf is up with him and the weight? can't a girl eat a bowl of ice cream if she's made sure she's fulfilled her dietary requirements for the day? come on!!!

maternity clothes?

2010-11-17T12:44:00.000-05:00

open call to all my US friends out there....

mr. wannabe and i are heading to erie and grove city, PA in early december so i can shop for maternity clothes because shopping in canada sucks! there are 2 maternity stores in canada and one of the 2 is ok, but not great.

where can you get nice, reasonably priced maternity clothes in the states? specialty stores, department stores, i don't care! we're not limited to erie and grove city either - we can travel around a bit (obviously within reason) so hit me with it. where can i get some stylin' duds?

larger than life

2010-11-15T11:40:00.000-05:00

yes, that's me. larger than life. i look like i ate my husband. and then proceeded to eat our 2 pugs for dessert. i look like i am approx 6 months pregnant. i am enormous. i packed away many of my pre-pregnancy clothes this weekend to make way for the "larger than life" collection of haute couture. i am in full on maternity clothes now with the exception of a few long sleeved t-shirts. i am already swelling ... everywhere. i have puffy eyes and sausage fingers that are generally ringless these days. for realz. i'm not even going to talk about my cankles. i bought some new bras this weekend and nearly choked when i found the size that fit me. i've had 3 people ask if we're having twins. the conversation goes something like this:

them: "congratulations, how far a long are you"
me: "just about 4 months"
them: "oh (ahem) .... are you having twins?"
me: "no. no, we're not. just one."
them: "are you sure?"

yes, that's how big i am. and i love every fucking second of it.

sad news

2010-11-10T11:57:00.000-05:00

i am devastated for Mo and Will.

Mo doesn't know me at all, she's never commented on my blog and quite probably has never even read it. but i feel like i know her, really well actually. she is the first ever IF blog i started following and my obsession with all of you and this community began with Mo. i feel like i owe Mo so much ... for sharing her story with all of us and for opening her life up.

and now Mo and her husband Will are suffering the raw pain of their sixth miscarriage after going to such great lengths to make this one work. and it all feels so fucking unfair.

i've cried tears for Mo and Will today, lots of them.

the universe sucks today. big time.

2nd T!

2010-11-05T13:42:00.000-04:00

i am now officially officially in the 2nd trimester!   i was beginning to wonder if it would ever arrive! i have to say, it feels goodish.   i say goodish because i'm still not entirely convinced that i'm actually pregnant and that this pregnancy will end with a crying pooping baby on or about may 5, 2011.

all that said, i'm also no longer convinced my baby's heart has stopped beating without constant re-assurance through ultrasounds. don't get me wrong... i'd snuggle up to any dr. if they would give me weekly ultrasounds but i'm managing without them. i don't have much in the way of first trimester symptoms left with one exception... i am still so.fucking.tired!   i'd like to find all the people that write about this so called "burst of energy" you feel after you hit 12 weeks and bitch slap every single one of them.  this is definitely not happenin in my house.  i long for sleep all day long.   but otherwise, i'm feeling much much better.

i'm not sure if i'm showing yet or if i'm just fat. is this something many women feel? i do have a few *ahem* extra pounds of fleshy goodness hanging around my midsection largely due to the copious amounts of fertility drugs i ingested in 2010, not to mention the extra calories i inhaled to help cope with all of the disappointments from failed iui's, etc.   but, in the morning, that fleshy goodness is, well, fleshy and soft but by the end of the day, its hard as rock.   so its hard to tell.   i was on the subway after work the other day en route to meet some friends for dinner and a woman offered me her seat. i didn't know whether to hug her or smack her.   i politely declined the seat and thanked her but i didn't know how to feel about it.   maybe i'll just be one of those lucky women who becomes the size of her office by the end of her pregnancy - either way, bring it!

thoughts on IF and pregnancy

2010-11-04T12:46:00.000-04:00

i read a post yesterday written by CGD (i hope you don't mind me linking back to your post) that moved me to tears.

the IF world is such a strange, painful, terrifying and frustrating world to be in and sometimes it can be even more isolating when others within your world, the ones who really understand what you're going through, have success and you don't.

i just want to go on record to say that i understand how hard that is and get that it can be too hard and painful to read about other sister IFer's successes without wondering "when is it my turn?" i've been there before... so if you don't feel that following along with my story is in the cards for you any longer, i absolutely understand. that said, i will continue to follow you and cheer you on. you all mean so much to me and i hope like hell each and every one of you achieve the success you're after.

the day she turned 39

2010-11-01T12:01:00.002-04:00

eek! 39 today. happy birthday to me.

40 next year. ouch.

question....?

2010-10-28T12:47:00.002-04:00

when the heck does the second trimester start??? some say 12wks, others say 13wks and i've heard as late as 14wks?

when is it??!!

i'm heading into "normal" territory

2010-10-25T10:45:00.000-04:00

the past week has been a week of celebrations (wipe out excluded).    mr wannabe plunged the last pio shot into my tired, weary, lumpy, bruised ass last night.   hopefully, my shapely ass will be shapely once again.

i am still on the progesterone suppositories but only because dr love didn't want me to stop any 2 medications on the same day so i'm taking those today and tomorrow and then i'm really done. like done done. no more alarms going off at 5am for progesterone suppositories, no more alarms going off at 7pm to remind us to do pio shots, no more estrogen pills.   talk about a victory!

now, i'm just pregnant. i'm not sure what the official word is on the 2nd trimester but i'm going with 13 weeks. so as of thursday this week, so long first trimester!!

btw... thanks for all your kind words re the wipe out and my ankle ... ankle is healing well...still sore but getting better every day!    shiny new flat shoes are on my feet today :)

A Diary of a Long Day

2010-10-22T10:55:00.001-04:00

first off, 12 weeks - woot woot!!!

yesterday proved to be on looooong ass day.   we left our house at 11am to get to our ultrasound appt where, thankfully, everything with baby wannabe looks fantastic (including the nt scan - phew!!).    i swear the ultrasound tech thinks i'm a crazy person. i'm so nervous going in there every.single.time.   it was amazing to see baby wannabe fluttering about. s/he looks like a real baby now!

after many happy tears while watching baby wannabe move about in my ute, we then headed to a nearby mall to look for flat shoes for the klutzy pregnant chick mr wannabe is married to.   i am a shortypants... and because of that, i feel much better with heels on so this is going to be a challenge for me.   no luck finding any shoes yesterday, but i'm determined to find something i like so i'll be on the hunt this weekend too.

afterwards, we headed back to see dr. love and have the blood work (second part of the nt screening) done only to get there and see that his lab was closed (fuck!). then, during the appt after giving us the full ultrasound report, dr. love proceeded to tell me that he thought i may have broken a bone in my mangled ankle as a result of the stupid fall on wednesday and we need to get that checked out as well.   excellent.

next stop: bigger lab for NT blood work.... thankfully, the wait wasn't too long.

final stop: big hospital emergency room for ankle check.   4.5 hours later... i walked out of there the same way i walked in.   luckily, i've only sprained my ankle and not broken it.   they didn't run any xrays which i was pretty happy about ... because for now, today at least, i'm happily pregnant. an xray would have ruined that for me and set further doubt into my crazy brain so i'm thankful for that.

let's hope this weekend proves to be entirely uneventful!

the big fall **UPDATED

2010-10-20T13:00:00.001-04:00

ever since we found out i was pregnant, mr wannabe has been after me to stop wearing high heels. he wants me to get a nice, sensitive pair of flats to wear so he won't worry about me so much.   he's particularly worried about the winter months, ice and snow, etc. of course, up until today, i just laugh it all off and tell him i've been walking years in heels and i'll be just fine.

yeah...

i was en route to my acupuncture appointment today, walking down a big flight of stairs when the heel on my right shoe caught the pant leg on my left leg. next thing i know, i'm in the air only to fall square on my left ass cheek and left ankle (picture that... graceful, i am not).   once i fell, i then bumped down about 4 or 5 more stairs before i stopped in the middle of the staircase.   other than a nice shiny bruise on my left ass cheek (to go with the million other bruises from the PIO shots) and a bit of a mangled left ankle, i'm totally fine.   i did, however, show up to my acu appt in tears fearing that i'd done something to hurt the baby... this fall shook me to my core. the woman that did my acu today is a chiropractor and she talked with me at length about how i was feeling, if i had any cramping or bleeding, etc. etc.   she didn't feel i needed to contact dr. love and neither do i.   i'm feeling ok - just a little shaken up.    she felt i was ok to wait until my ultrasound on monday.

what would you guys do?   call dr. love anyway?

UPDATE**so i called dr. love.   i didn't speak to him, just his receptionist. she didn't seem overly concerned but moved my ultrasound up to tomorrow at noon. i think she's doing it more for me than anything... if she was overly concerned, she would have sent me to emerg.   so i'm going hobble through the next 24 hours and try not to worry too much... i'll have an update tomorrow and hopefully, it'll be good news :)   after the ultrasound, i'm going to buy some flat shoes.

lumpy bum

2010-10-18T10:44:00.000-04:00

i have some complainin' to do... but before i do, i'll remind everyone that i am incredibly grateful to be here, in this position. almost 12 weeks pregnant... it feels weird even typing that because i never thought this would happen - ever.   so don't be hatin' once you read all my complaints below.

first, i'll start with the pio shots.   OUCH!   they didn't bother me for the first 5-6 weeks but now, i dread them every.single.day.   and my ass... could it get any itchier?   i have turned a corner ladies, i really have - i will now itch my ass anywhere. yep, in the grocery store lineup, on the train to work, at my house while entertaining company, during meetings at work, you name it. my ass has never been this itchy in all my life. in fact, i don't think my ass has ever been itchy before... and lumpy - wholly mother father (to steal a line from my girl Roccie), its like i've got the mumps in my ass.    i'm down to 7 days of shots left. 4 in the right cheek and 3 in the left.   cannot wait for sunday night at 7:02 - there'll be some celebrating in the wannabe house!

secondly, when does the barfing stop? when?   i barfed in my hands this morning because i had little to no warning that it was coming.   that was nice.

third, the toots.... my god the toots.   mr. wannabe is thinking of leaving me, i'm sure of it. i'd leave me if i could. no one ever told me about the gas.   baby wannabe is one stinky little sucker.   when will i stop being such a tooty-pants?

fourth, the exhaustion. i've been typing this for 2 hours now... in between surprise cat naps on my desk.   nuff said.

fifth, the carb intake. i'm not sure if i can fit enough rice, bread and pasta into my gullet. which translates to fat on my already lumpy ass.   veggies? what are they?    oh yeah, they're the things that make me barf in my hands, that's right.

i think that's enough for now.   come on 2nd trimester!

i remember

2010-10-15T10:30:00.000-04:00

today, i remember the devastation and pain of January/09, April/09 and August/09 for the wannabe's. my greatest wish is that we and all of you never have to endure this again.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day...

http://www.october15th.com/

a year in review

2010-10-13T11:32:00.000-04:00

i was thinking the other day that september came and went without my even realizing how much has changed in a year.

last year in september, my entire world was falling apart.   i had suffered my third miscarriage in mid august and had no idea what the fuck was going on with my body, my responsibilities at work would have tested even the strongest of individuals and yet my mental state was out of control. i felt like i was spiralling downward more and more everyday ... not able to do anything well. i sucked at work, i sucked at maintaining my friendships, i sucked at being a good wife, sister, aunt, daughter, you name it.   it was the closest i've ever been to depression.   and it sucked monkey balls.   i don't miss feeling like that.

and here we are, 4 iui's, a bunch of natural cycles, an ivf cycle and a year later.   i'm 11 weeks pregnant tomorrow and so thankful for every single day i remain pregnant. what a world of difference a year can make. i'm still not convinced that this pregnancy is the real deal ... i struggle with that every day. i want to be the eternal optimist mr. wannabe is ... but until i see that 12 week ultrasound, there's something holding me back. we've never made it this far and so i'm in unfamiliar territory and some days its exciting and other days i'm a big fraidy-cat. stats tell me we should be just fine and yet i'm still, to a certain extent, waiting for the other shoe to drop.   being pregnant this long, and seeing the physical change to my body, has made me realize just how devastating my other losses were. i'm terrified to have to go through that again.

oct 25 is going to be a fucking awesome day... because that's the day i'll see baby wannabe again and maybe, after that appointment, i'll actually start believing that this is our win.    until then, if you're looking for me, you can probably find me either in the bathroom vomiting or sleeping on my desk.

ticker hurdle.... jumped!

2010-10-04T11:49:00.000-04:00

i hope like hell i haven't jinxed this entire pregnancy by adding a ticker.... but there it is. i am officially 9w4d pregnant :)

phew!

2010-10-01T11:20:00.000-04:00

begging does work!   actually, dr. love came through for me and he was the one that suggested that i have an ultrasound before i even asked for it.   i could have kissed him!

so off we went to the ultrasound where, once again, my heart was entirely in my throat until the ultrasound tech told me to relax....that everything was fine.   baby wannabe's heart was beating away at 162bpm and measuring 8w4d and 2cm long. right where we want to be, she said.   mr. wannabe and i are both so thankful....

so, based on my retrieval date, my due date is may 5 but baby W is measuring 3 days behind with a projected due date of may 8.   dr. love tells us we should go with may 5 as our official date which is awesome for 2 reasons.   the first, its cinco de mayo for crying out loud but secondly, and more importantly, that just so happens to be our 4 year anniversary of when we stared dating.   kind of a cool due date :)

i am appointment free until i hit 12 weeks so i think i might actually be able to relax between now and then (yeah, right!) and i've been tossing the idea of putting a pregnancy ticker up on this blog.... pretty bold, huh?

what, no ultrasound until 12 weeks?

2010-09-29T15:21:00.000-04:00

who are they kidding? don't they know who i am?

that's right folks... i just got off the phone with my dr.'s office and they've told me they have scheduled my next ultrasound for oct 27. i say pardon?

i told her that i was told i'd have another one at 8ish weeks and, while i still have an appt with him tomorrow, i'm told there will be no ultrasound. WTF??

so, if you're looking for me tomorrow, i'll be the woman in the dr.'s office on my hands and knees BEGGING him to let me have one. mr. wannabe will be begging along side me because he doesn't feel he can live with me for another 4 weeks in my current state.

hello...are you still in there?

2010-09-27T12:33:00.000-04:00

based on how i feel, i believe baby wannabe is, in fact, still in there. but there's that little voice inside me warning me not to get cocky, too excited, or assume that everything is ok.

mr. wannabe is on the opposite end of the spectrum. we've never made it this far before and he's looking purely at the stats - chance of miscarriage plummets to 5% once you see a heartbeat. we've never seen a heartbeat before so, because we're in uncharted waters, mr wannabe believes that we'll fall comfortably into the 95% on this one. we're headed to the dr. on thursday and we'll have another ultrasound then. boy, do i hope he's right!

bring it, baby w

2010-09-15T11:31:00.001-04:00

i barfed this morning! i've never been so happy to chuck in all my life! i will admit that this will be a hard state to live in for 6+ weeks, but i'm up for it. bring it, baby wannabe. i'll take everything you've got.

good things can happen...

2010-09-14T09:54:00.000-04:00

mr wannabe and i have been feeling like its our time, we need a win, he says. and, my friends, good things can happen in this shitastic infertile world.    i'll tell you why i know this....

hb of 124bmp ... measuring .41cm and 6w1d ... pure joy.   estimated due date: may 8, 2011.

we went to see dr. love (i have to drop the hate part now... he's been so incredible with us through this ivf and beyond!) yesterday and he told us that our ultrasound was booked for today but he worked his magic and got us an appt yesterday instead.  it was the most terrifying 20 minutes of my life while she was doing the ultrasound and looking for a hb. at first, she couldn't find it, said it was too early but said everything looked good. i started crying which then turned into the ugly cry because i was sure that she should be able to see it at this stage. while she was consoling me (wand still in....nice) she saw a flicker and here it was. i held my breath while she was measuring the hb.... and then, when she told me it was 124bpm, i continued with the ugly cry ... but purely from relief!   mr. wannabe came in and saw it all and we were both amazed... in awe...

our next appt and u/s is sept 30. we can't wait.

so, there you have it.   good things can happen...this was proven to us yesterday.

i'm sorry, you expect me to be awake at work?

2010-09-09T11:50:00.000-04:00

seriously.... how the fuck do you work through this exhaustion...? i can barely keep my eyes open. i've been tired for about a week or so now but today.... my entire body is telling me it wants to sleep like right fucking now.

i have deadlines at work and i just don't give a shit.

somebody please come into my office and smack me .... if not, i'm going to be sleeping on (not under, too much effort to get down there) my desk in about 5 minutes.

zzzzz

beta #3 is in....

2010-09-07T16:22:00.000-04:00

beta #3 at 21dp5dt is 13,766!!!!!

i can breath now...

going to see dr. love/hate on monday to book the ultrasound - hopefully that will be next week sometime, but if not, the following week for sure.

keep growing baby wannabe!

beta day

2010-09-07T09:07:00.000-04:00

my first and third pregnancies were chemical. positive test followed by wicked periods. highs and lows. my second pregnancy was different. we waited out the numbers game. my first beta was 109. back then i wasn't thinking in dpo or anything like that as we'd only been "not protecting" for 3 or 4 cycles, one of which ended up with a chemical. my period was late and so i tested and saw 2 lines. my second beta was 263 but there were 5 days in between betas so if you do the math, it was low. dr. love/hate decided to wait a week to test again and told me that my levels *should* be around 6,000/6,500 if it was viable. when we tested next a week later, i was at 556. i started miscarrying about 8 days later - the day of my first bridal shower. i'll never forget that day. i felt so robbed in so many ways. it was suppose to be such a happy time in my life and it ended up being the saddest time. the worst part of it all was that i had to put the brave face on for the shower because nobody knew what was going on but for a select few (my mother, best friend, etc.)

so now, after more than a year later, i sit here waiting for that fateful 3rd beta and its scaring the fuck out of me. in my mind, this feels like a milestone that we'll never achieve, a hurdle we'll never jump high enough to get over. i can't even imagine this pregnancy turning into a baby... i can't let myself go there yet. oh to be fertile and assume that 2 lines means baby... how amazing that would be.

beta results should be ready by about 3:00 today. until then, i'll be found rocking under my desk in the fetal position hoping beyond hope that history doesn't repeat itself.

still pregnant...

2010-09-04T17:02:00.001-04:00

my dr. appt on friday was somewhat uneventful. he asked me how i'm feeling and is encouraged by the symptoms i shared with him. he also said that being symptom free wouldn't worry him at all. he joked with me and told me he thought i'd be sick as a dog by now give that i seem to get the shit end of the stick with all things infertility and pregnancy but was glad i'm feeling ok.

and says that my beta numbers look excellent so far and that we're "right where we want to be right now". the rest is a waiting game. he's ordered another blood test for me for tuesday morning and, based on where i'm at, he'll then book an ultrasound. he offered an ultrasound up now but warned that he finds this stresses his patients out more than it does help them because its too early to detect a heartbeat so he didn't recommend it.

believe it or not, i think i can wait.

he was also lucky enough to feast his eyes on the beauty that is my ass right now. it is so awful looking from the PIO shots ... not a pretty sight. he told me that while its uncomfortable and itchy, there's nothing really "troubling" about the way it looks and that's just the PIO shots. he did tell me not to put anything other than a warm towel on it which i found surprising. no moisturizer, creams, nothing.

so, until tuesday at least, i remain pregnant. i have no idea how far along i am or what my due date is ... i've heard and read conflicting reports about how ivf pregnancies are dated (from CD1 or 2 weeks prior to retrieval or 2 weeks prior to transfer). i haven't asked him that as it seems premature until we know that we've got a real live little baby wannabe in there and so for now, i'm ok with that.

did you smell that?

2010-09-02T14:18:00.000-04:00

while i wait to see if there is actually a growing viable baby in my belly, i obsess about symptoms.   and i have to say, by far the most pronounced symptom i have is this incredible sense of smell.

i was out to dinner with friends yesterday and 2 of the 4 of us had red wine and i felt like each glass was being poured up my nostrils. the smell of laundry detergent on the towels i've used this week is overpowering. wearing cologne? i'll tell you if you are and then tell you you're wearing too much.   this falls into the tmi category but the smell of urine in the bathroom at work just now nearly knocked me on my ass.

i'm also looking at my ever growing jugs with awe.   they're not super soar during the day - only when i man-handle them - but when i get up to pee in the middle of the night (a minimum of once per night by the way), they hurt like a mofo. strange that they don't hurt like that all the time.

the bloating... oh the bloating. every time i eat a meal, drink a gatorade (yes, my dr STILL has me drinking 2 gatorade's per day) or a glass of water, i feel so full and bloated it makes me feel like i'm going to chuck. this feeling usually passes after 15-30 minutes though.   sometimes, i'm so bloated that i can't take deep breaths ... but i'm told this is all normal.

i'm feeling pretty tired but i'm still not 100% sure i can attribute this entirely to be pregnant or not.

hopefully all of these things means there's a little baby wannabe growing in there!

oh yeah... one more thing- anyone out there that's taken the PIO shots - have you ever developed a rash? totally itchy ass rash? i've got a bad ass rash right across my ass on both sides where mr wannabe administers the shots right now and let me tell you, its driving me mad!!   imagine trying to itch your ass in a meeting with 6 men sitting around staring at you ... not the easiest thing to do! my butt is also lumpy - i'm guessing this is scar tissue building up from the shots maybe?

still waiting **UPDATED

2010-08-31T10:10:00.001-04:00

for the results of beta #2 and i'm shitting my pants.

i hope they call soon. this is torture.

please please please please please let the number be good.

please!

**BETA#2 is in!! 771!!!!!

I'm sitting at my desk and I'm a big crybaby right now because I'm so relieved! I don't know where you find those damn charts that tell you about doubling time, but the nurse tells me this is excellent :)

Dr. appt on Friday.... go Baby T go!!

jitters

2010-08-28T14:18:00.000-04:00

i just want to put my head under the covers and wake up in the 2nd trimester.

any chance i can do this?

surprise beta!

2010-08-26T09:10:00.000-04:00

beta #1 at 7dp5dt: 67!!

i went to see the naturopath that did my acupuncture before and after the transfer on tuesday - wanted another holiday session before i head back to work (my other naturopath is downtown and i live in the burbs). she decided not to do needles as she doesn't like to do it until after 8 weeks. but she did offer to send me for a blood test and i said hells ya! so i went around 5pm on tues and the results were emailed to me yesterday morning.

i think this is a pretty solid number for 7dp5dt but i have no basis for feeling this way. what do you guys think? where should i be at?

oddly enough, i'm already feeling like total ass. and when i say total ass, i mean hot sweaty christmas mall ass. waves of nausea have taken control and, at times throughout the day, i'm so bloated that i can barely take deep breaths. usually, in the morning, i wake up and i'm ok but as the day progresses, the ass progresses from just ass, to hot sweaty ass and then all the way to the cream of the crop - hot sweaty christmas mall ass. it feels awfully early to be feeling this way. on tuesday, just before i went to see the naturopath, i tossed half of my lunch immediately after i ate it. i figured it was just a coincidence but she doesn't think so. she says morning sickness can happen at any time during a pregnancy, even this early. believe me ladies, i'm not complaining! i don't care if i have to pray to the porcelain gods for 10 solid weeks - bring it!

so technically, based on CD1 - i'm 4w1d today. how on earth am i going to wait until beta #2 on monday?

yeah.

2010-08-24T09:28:00.002-04:00

i'm not really sure what to say so i'll let a picture do the talking:

the top one is from yesterday afternoon (6dp5dt) and the bottom is from this morning (7dp5dt). wholly monkey balls, it worked. beta isn't until next monday and i won't have the results for a few days after that. dr. love/hate is on vacation as of today and he's a small operation so his entire office shut down. i got topped up on my meds yesterday late in the day and a good old fashioned fist pump from dr. love/hate. he assures me this is the real deal and not left over trigger shot (took that 2 weeks ago today) and suggested i pee on another stick this weekend to see the darkness flow through.

let the freak outs begin.

i wanna be bloated!

2010-08-20T09:36:00.002-04:00

well friends, im pupo.... but i'm not feeling it. i'm not sure why but i have this sense of dread falling all over me. maybe i'm just scared shitless. what the fuck do we do if THIS doesn't work? i dont know.

we transferred 1 blast on tuesday that, according to the dr, was one point below perfect. we had one left to freeze. we went from being over achievers to under achievers in a flash. one fucking blast to freeze. the rest are in the garbage.

i was feeling fairly positive and shit and then my dr called yesterday afternoon to see how i was feeling and was disappointed that i'm not feeling bloated. he wants me to call him again on monday and tell him that i'm feeling bloated. what if i'm not feeling bloated? wtf? does that mean this didn't work? how many google searches can a girl do that say "ivf transfer and i'm not bloated", "should i feel bloated after ivf transfer", "ivf transfer a bust if not bloated after?". ugh.

wholly fuckballs, i really hope this worked.

3 Day Results

2010-08-16T09:34:00.000-04:00

going through ivf is an interesting experience. before having gone through it, i would have told you the hardest parts would be the cycling and then the 2ww. so far, the cycling was the easiest part.... the hardest is by far between retrieval and transfer. all we could think about were how our eggs were doing. i don't think i took a breath on sunday morning until that phone call came in. afterwards, i felt like i could get my day started. brutal wait.

so, the 3 day results are as follows:

ICSI:
1 8 cell, grade 1
1 10-12 cell, grade 2
1 Morula (sp?), grade 2

IVF:
1 4 cell, grade 1
1 8 cell, grade 1
1 8 cell, grade 2
1 10-12 cell, grade 1
1 10-12 cell, grade 2

i'm told these are great results. apparently, we want to see anything above 8 cells and grade 2 and above. based on this, it looks like we've got one slow mover. apparently, a morula is an fertilized egg that has divided so many times, they stop counting. the lab suggested that we should be very happy with these results and then gave me the instructions for the transfer on tuesday.

i've had one hell of a time getting my acupuncture scheduled for before and after on tuesday but i think i've got that worked out now. my transfer is at 11:30 but my acu is at 3:30 - i'm stressing about this a bit since i'm supposed to come home and go straight to bed... but i'll just take it easy in between and hubs will drive me there and back so it should be all good.

i'd love to hear your reactions to our day 3 results since, quite frankly, i trust your opinions as much as i trust the lab dude!

Almost there....

2010-08-13T13:50:00.000-04:00

i won't make you wait any longer!

the retrieval was a success - 20 eggs retrieved!!    no wonder i've been feeling like i swallowed my 13 year old niece - man was I bloated (still am!).

i just received the call from the lab this morning and our fertilization reports are not as excellent as i'd hoped.   here are the stats:

-of the 20, they used ivf to fertilize 7. 5 of those 7 fertilized.
-remaining 13 were icsi'd - only 3 fertilized :(

why icsi, you ask?   my dr is a firm believer in doing a 1/3 ivf and 2/3 icsi the first go around regardless of the hubs sperm quality.  he uses it as a diagnostic tool. he says that often times, he'll have great retrievals only to have 5% fertilize through ivf. with icsi, he sees about 50% fertilizing on average.   he likes to recommend a mix of both first time around so as to ensure that you'll end up with some fertilized eggs.   at this stage, he wouldn't recommend icsi again for us because our fertilization rates with ivf were so amazing. but ... the suckass part of it all is that i am left feeling like 10 good eggs got away.   i do understand his logic though.   hopefully, we won't need to do this again - but if we do, we'll know that ivf is our route all the way.

so, we're left with 8 fertilized chillens - i hope like hell we get an excellent report on these 8 on sunday!   my clinic has called and raved about our results so maybe my expectations were too high - who knows!

transfer is scheduled for Tuesday.    Go Chillens Go!

time to pull the trigger

2010-08-10T15:27:00.000-04:00

trigger tonight at 8:30pm.

retrieval thursday morning at 7:30am.

count as of this morning - 27 follicles. wholly fuck.
of those 27, 16 are currently over 14mm
they're confident that by retrieval, more will have joined the elite group of 16

FINALLY, i'm on the good side of the odds.

giddy up!

all my eggs are in one basket right now

2010-08-09T15:00:00.000-04:00

first off, thank you all for your thoughtful and very helpful comments on my last post. i've been pretty worked up about this situation for a while now but, as a lot of you pointed out, this is an important relationship to me and therefore, its worth fighting for. once i'm over the hurdle of egg retrieval and transfer, i'll give some thought to how i approach this.   a heartfelt thanks for sticking around to read the long post AND offering your sound advice on what i can do about it.

so i'm at cd13 and i'm feeling about as bloated and blech as a chick with 24 follies swimming around in her ovaries can feel.   that's right, i said 24. wholly fuck balls!   as of today - 12 of those 24 are measuring 14mm or more and my dr has put off triggering for one more day because he's certain that a large percentage of the remaining 12 will surpass the 14mm mark by tomorrow morning.   my dr tells me that he retrieves anything 14mm or bigger. i'm not sure if this is standard practice or not?

dr. love/hate is becoming dr. love in my books. he has been absolutely amazing throughout this entire process. i feel like i'm getting special treatment for crying out loud! he's been calling me with my reports instead of having his staff call, he's been seeing me in the mornings during my monitoring to reassure me that i'm coming along really nicely, shows me my over achieving ovaries on the ultra sound and tells me how round and plump (yes, he says round and *plump*) my follies look and how easy they're going to be to retrieve. how great would it be if he was this awesome with all of his ivf patients.   he's told me that i'm doing amazing and that he couldn't be happier with my progress so far. i'm pretty jazzed about this.

retrieval is tentatively set for thurs and, as far as i know, i'll be triggering tomorrow night. i'm going in for blood and u/s tomorrow morning and they'll let me know tomorrow afternoon for sure if thurs is the day. i have to say - i'm not anxious or nervous about this at all - i am actually bordering on excited for crying out loud.   now that is some crazy shit!

friend woes

2010-08-06T14:49:00.001-04:00

IF can suck the life out of our friendships, i know this to be true.  some friends do their best to try to understand what we're going through, how tough it really is, but if they've not been here, they don't have any idea. lucky for them.

my best friend of nearly 25 years is awesome. she and i have had some incredibly amazing blow your mind good fucking times over the years. we've travelled lots together, drank lots together, laughed and cried lots together, you name it, we've done it. we've also had a few trying times too. that's what friendships are all about, right?   through thick and thin, you always find yourselves coming out on the good side of things, even if it means you have to scrap a bit along the way. she, too, is a fellow IF sista, only she's on the other side.   she has 2 beautiful daughters thanks to the wonders of ART and her girls are amazing. she and her husband are incredible parents - they parent just like i hope my husband and i will, if ever given the chance.

so far, this all sounds amazing, right?   well, it doesn't feel so great lately. now remember ladies, i'm hopped up on about 2,000 units of fertility drugs right now so i fully admit that my usually sensitive self may be a little over sensitive right now but i've been thinking a lot about our friendship lately.

BF checks in with me more than of my other friends do. in fact some of my friends, good friends, who know we're doing this don't call or check in at all. i'm totally ok with this. i understand that our struggles aren't a big part of our friends lives because they have lives themselves.   i was that friend to BF when she was going through this - i had no idea how hard this is and have told her more than a few times that i wish i could have been a better friend to her through her 6 years of IF struggles - and I mean it, i really do. i had absolutely no idea how crushing and difficult this can be. i regret that.

but...

there's a tension between us lately that i can't put my finger on. we live 20 houses apart and yet we barely spend any time together. i accept my responsibility for part of this, i really do. i have become more of a recluse through all this IF bullshit. i wish it weren't so, but i don't seem to "enjoy" myself like i used to. its so sad because i was always the life of the party (one of many, mind you, but one nonetheless) - never the introvert.   now, i can't seem to find her.   i hope she's still in there somewhere... but all this heartbreak - it changes you, you know? and more so now because i don't know which end of this we'll come out on... parents or a child free couple?    its hard to relate to other parents when you're in this "state".

i wonder if the tension stems from our lives being so different now. maybe because we have less in common now that she's a parent and i'm not?   she's a stay at home mom and her primary focus is as it should be, her kids.   their lives have gravitated to a place where our life isn't.   ive taken a good hard look at myself and wondered if the problem lies entirely with me. am i jealous of what i don't have? am i sabotaging this relationship because its too painful for me to see what my life would look like on the other end?   i don't feel like i'm doing this but maybe there's a subconscious side of me that really feels this way?   fuck, i don't know.

BF takes every opportunity to tell me how hard parenting is. she has said to me twice now "i can't wait for you to be a mom because i want you to experience it and know first hand how amazing it is, but more because i want you to understand how hard it is"   i don't know what to do with this. maybe she's trying to prepare me for the struggles?   i can't figure it out.   i can tell you its hard to hear when trying so fucking hard to achieve the ultimate goal of becoming a parent.   i need positive thoughts and motivation right now - i don't need her to point out how hard it is all the time. if she was venting to me about the daily struggles of parenting, that would be one thing - but she says it to me in the context of ME having kids.

there are so many other little things, little examples of situations that make me wonder what the heck is going on between us that we're just not talking about.   we seem to be shorter with each other when we're together. i know this is hard for her too. its hard to find the right balance when you're dealing with an infertile friend.   do you talk about your kids? if so, how much? do you invite them over when your kids are awake? or ask them to come after the kids are in bed? do they want to see your kids, talk about your kids, etc. etc. it must be exhausting trying to do the right thing.   she's the happiest right now that she's ever been in her life. i'm the saddest that ive ever been in mine.

not sure where i'm going with any of this ... not even sure why i'm posting about it.   i would be devastated if she found this blog and read this. i guess i'm afraid that if we have a discussion about whats going on, it'll end with us not seeing each others point of view and therefore put further strain on our relationship...

all i know is that the situation blows. big time.

slow and steady wins the race, right?

2010-08-05T15:28:00.001-04:00

met with dr. love/hate this morning so he could have a look at my follies on the u/s screen with him. he's happy with my progress so far and also threw in there that they'll be easy to retrieve. now, he says, is the time that he has to balance that fine line between perfection and over stimulation. because of this, he thinks i'll cycle a couple of extra days and retrieval will be sometime around mid next week. i'm also drinking a few gatorades per day now as well to hopefully prevent even the mildest form of OHSS.

all of the other symptoms are totally bearable.... particularly since i feel like i'm in the final stretch of the stimulation stage.

i told him (verbatim) "i don't give a shit when it is or how you do it, let's just get there with good plump eggs!" he wants to take another look on saturday morning and see how the next 2 days work out for me. GO FOLLIES GO!

progress

2010-08-04T18:48:00.000-04:00

i think i'm progressing nicely. i'm meeting with dr. love/hate tomorrow morning after blood/ultrasound to run through my "ivf schedule". i think this means he's going to tell me how i'm doing and let me know when i can expect the egg retrieval will be. on my schedule, its tentatively set up for monday but that can change.

as of yesterday, i had 8 follies on one side and 9 on the other. i think of these 17 follies, 5 are dominant in size. hopefully some of the others will catch up.

my meds have been increasing steadily over the last couple of days. today is 300 units gonal f and 75 menopur. i'm starting to feel the bloat baby and i'm sure that's only going to get better as the days progress. i've also had a lupron headache since about day 3 of taking that - i'm looking forward to that lifting. last gripe ... i'm fucking exhausted. i'm not sure if the meds are to blame for this or not - but i cannot keep my eyes open and i'm dragging myself out of bed in the morning and all day long. CD8 today - hopefully egg retrieval will be monday.

wish me luck!!

first count

2010-07-30T11:32:00.001-04:00

everything went well this morning.

first count of my little follies, you ask? right side: 7 left side: 9.   the u/s tech was very happy with that - so let's hope they all grow.

meds for today:    150 gonal f @ lunch, 75 menopur tonight.

i did have one moment of wtf this morning.   i was first to arrive at the clinic and while waiting for it to open, another woman wanders up to me with her 1.5 year old daughter in her arms. she gets in line and then proceeds to say hi to me and then have her daughter say hi to me.   the kid was shy and so mom keeps pushing her to say hi and she's being all cutesy and shit. then her husband shows up and the whole family is standing there and i swear to you, it felt like the parents were parading this fucking kid around.   it was all i could do to keep my mouth shut.   by this time, there were several other women in line now too. i wanted to point at the FERTILITY CLINIC sign right in front of this couple and let them know they're not at romper room!   what on earth could this woman (who probably had her 1.5 yr old thanks to fertility treatments - shame on her!) be thinking?   her husband could have waited outside in the beautiful weather with their daughter - or better yet - leave their asses at home while mom goes to the fertilty clinic!

all i could think was "i'm going to be taking this up with our newly appointed Queen of the Universe, Adele just as soon as i get out of here and you's a gonna be in trouble!".

bring it

2010-07-28T14:21:00.001-04:00

CD1 bitches!

i head into the clinic on friday morning for baseline ultrasound and bloodwork and then i start the gonal f and menopur on friday.   i've been on the lupron injections since saturday and so far, no side effects.   let's hope that continues since i'll be staying on lupron until retrieval.

thanks for all of your positive comments on the puppy. she rocks. i'm more happy that we got her every single day, even though she's a nippy little fucker and I am covered in tiny little purple puppy bite bruises.   our other pug is warming up to her more every day as well so its all good.

leading up to this ivf, ive been anxious and nervous about it - but now - i'm totally ready to rock this.   bring it.

endo biopsy's suck

2010-07-26T09:43:00.001-04:00

actually, they don't suck for 99.9% of you but, as luck would have it, they suck for me.   that was by far the most painful *procedure* i've had since this all began.   nothing like making the cervix dilate using a socket set.   (i kid, but that's what it felt like)   the good news? its over and it worked.   the bad news? if this ivf doesn't produce a viable pregnancy, i'll have to have this again.

in better news, we got another dog this weekend, thursday night actually. an 8 wk old 3lb personality busting pug puppy who is quite possibly (other than our other 7 year old pug) the cutest damn thing i've ever laid eyes on.   she's hilarious and keeping my mind off of whats to come.   some friends and family are rumbling behind our backs no doubt saying we're crazy to do this while going through ivf but i don't care what they say. so far, its done a world of wonder for me.   integrating her into our family with the 7yr old pug has proven to be challenging at times but we'll work through that.   anyone have any tips on how to do this quickly and successfully?

i took my last bcp (big roaring cheers from me) on saturday and started the lupron on saturday as well. so far i'm not a crazed maniac but its only been 3 days.    waiting for af to start and then i'll start getting the other injections going.   there's still time for the crazies to hit and my husband is ready to take cover at any moment.

how was your weekend?

the little biopsy that could...

2010-07-21T09:31:00.001-04:00

it looks like the pink fairy barfed all over my blog.   i hope you like her work.

so i went for the endo biopsy yesterday.  this procedure is successful 99% of the time and, by all accounts, its just like having a pap.   for me? not so much. once again, i'm the elusive 1% and have to go back again on friday for another torture session. i had quite a battle with cervical dysplasia about 4-5 years ago that ended up with about a bazillion colposcopies, a chryo therapy procedure and a leep procedure. all of this has left my cervix with much scar tissue and, for some reason, this is making it hard for dr. love/hate to create the "pathway". in other words, he can't get my cervix to dilate.    he was trying so hard to get this done that i nearly passed out on the table - at which point, he graciously admitted defeat. in his defence, he talked to me through the entire procedure and i kept telling him i was good for him to continue (mainly because i wanted it done so badly) but he eventually saw that, as trooper like as i was being, it was time to stop.

so, i've been sent home with miso.prostal which i am to take on thursday night in anticipation of torture session #2 on friday.   the miso is supposed to soften the cervix to let him get all up in my biznatch and actually do the biopsy.   nothing like a night of cramping and feeling like ass to get me ready.

i love being infertile.

checking in

2010-07-20T10:23:00.002-04:00

thanks for all your positive mojo from my last post :)

a couple of you have asked me over the last several months about why i monitor every single day at the clinic when cycling for an iui or ivf.   the quick answer.... i dunno?   it seems that this is the "m.o" here in canada. once i start the gonal f/menopur combo, i'll be at the clinic every morning for blood work and the dildo cam.   in the states, it seems you go on certain days of your cycle and then you go every day closer to when you're about to have your iui/egg retrieval.   not sure why the difference here.

i'm heading to dr love/hate today to have the endometrial biopsy - not sure if any of you IVFer's have had this done or not.  dr love/hate does it with all of his ivf patients now.

i remember now what i dont like about the pill... i am in the final stretch of the 21 days and i'm a crankypants, have some serious boobage happening (as in busting right out of every single bra i own!!) and feel like i've gained about 5lbs without deserving it at all. i've also been spotting since friday which i hear happens about 50% of the time. this has happened to me before so i'm not freaking out.   generally, in the past its meant that the pill i'm on isn't strong enough. hopefully that's the case this time around.

i start the lupron shots on saturday which is also the last day of the pill - then i wait for a period and then - let these mofo'in games begin!

i've been a terrible commenter lately... haven't been myself. but i'm still reading and following along. i'll find my personality soon, i promise!

miss me?

2010-07-09T10:24:00.001-04:00

so i'm en route to get my morning decaf coffee this morning and while walking through the food court, my eye caught one of the tv's. it said:

"Tired of hearing Bad News all of the time?"

Next screen:

"Want to hear Good News for a change?"

ummmm... hells ya!   i don't even know what the commercial was for and don't really care! just give me some good news dammit!

i've been silent for the last couple of weeks.   not sure why - i've been a bit of a grump-ass with nothing positive to say.   sometimes the IF struggle grabs a hold of me by the ankles, picks me up and swings me violently around and round a small square room - i just feel beat up. after our fourth and final failed iui, i took my time to feel like ass about our situation and then i dusted myself off and looked forward to enjoying a few months of "nothingness".   during this time, surprisingly, i didn't feel my bio clock ticking at all and my cycles, while only 28-30 days, felt like they went on for months and months. i suspect it felt this way because i wasn't being poked for blood and violated by strange ultrasound techs with condom bearing wands for 2 weeks of every cycle.   it was a wonderful break.

and now?   i'm on the pill and its all starting again.   in 2 1/2 short weeks, i'll be shooting myself up again and visiting the clinic every.single.morning.   5am starts to the day, give myself needle, drive to clinic, drive to work, sit in traffic, work all day, shoot up in bathroom at lunch, drive home, sit in traffic, shoot up at bedtime, sleep. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.   the crazy lunatic that is me while on fertility drugs will rear her ugly head again.    this means i'm venturing back into the world of the unknown.   the world of wanting something so bad you can taste it ... and all with the possibility that it may not work....again.   its hard for me to wrap my mind around it all.

i know that once i get there, i'll be a champ about it all and we'll get through it, no matter what the outcome.   but just this once, please... can i just get pregnant, stay pregnant and give birth to a real live healthy baby?

crazy shit!

2010-06-23T15:10:00.000-04:00

i'm sitting here at my desk this afternoon pretending to work (while really surfing the internet and reading your blogs) when all of the sudden my entire office starts shaking. i'm thinking WHAT THE FUCK?!!!

i live in toronto and, as many of you are probably aware, the G20 is happening here this weekend and so the city is crawling with cops everywhere and the threat of activists getting out of hand, etc. is on everyone's mind. my office is all but shutting down on thursday and friday and we're being encouraged to work from home so we don't get rocks thrown at our heads and other crazy stuff like that as we're a couple of short blocks away from the location the meetings are taking place.

so, my first thought while sitting in my shaking office is - wholly shitballs ... somebody's blowin the joint up! i get up and run out of my office to the main hallway (i was trying to act calm but in my head i was like Elaine Benes from that Seinfeld episode when she's stuck on the subway - calm on the outside and screaming like a crazy bastard on the inside) and ask if anyone else felt that.  thank the good lord baby jesus my inside voice didn't come out to play!

the good news is it definitely wasn't G20 related - turns out it was an earthquake measuring 5.5 felt in Ottawa and Montreal as well and also parts of northern new york.

Let me set something straight here - us canadians... we're not used to shit like that.   it freaked the living shit out of me.   so, now that its all clear and i'm over the initial shock of it all, i'm going to head to the bathroom to clean myself up.   ahem.

wtf.....

2010-06-22T13:56:00.000-04:00

why the fuck is there so much bad news out there in blog-land lately. it seems that every time i check in on you guys, there's bad news :(

i'm thinking of each and every one of you who's received bad news this week and last about impending miscarriages, those of you who are recovering from miscarriages in the last several weeks and those of you who are banging your heads against walls because of a lack of bfps or who are experiencing anniversaries of the shit-tastic things that have happened in the past.

god damn i wish we didn't all have to go through this.

infertility blows.

ivf schedule

2010-06-21T12:31:00.000-04:00

we went for our info session on friday for our upcoming ivf and whoa.... wholly drugs batman.  i read about many of you going through this but when you're sitting in a room, surrounded by boxes of drugs, needles and other stuff.... it really is overwhelming.   i was hoping like hell to avoid the pio shots but alas, my ass will be bruised right along side my belly and my arms.   its a great look for summer, don't ya think?   the funny thing is, i'm most stressed about the pio shots.   the needle is awfully facking huge .... not sure how i'm going to feel about that when the time comes.

once i start my next cycle, i'll start on the pill for 21 days.   dr love/hate has started doing a biopsy of the uterine wall on day 18 of the pill - apparently, doing this causes blood flow to rush to that spot and allegedly, this can help with implantation?   never heard of that before but at this point, what's another catheter shoved up the ole vajajay?   these days, i'm having a harder time keeping my pants ON for appointments.

i start lupron on day 21. then when i get my next period, i add gonal f and menopur to the mix. i take these right through to the trigger shot and then egg retrieval.   i start the pio shots the day after retrieval and also suppositories (in the morning and at night).   then onto the transfer and 2 days bed rest.    i'm going to be one crazy bitch on all these drugs.   my poor husband....

i'd better get (and stay) pregnant, dammit!

wanna be momma wonders if she'll EVER be a momma

2010-06-16T12:07:00.000-04:00

back from seeing dr. love/hate this morning. i'm going on bcp's for 21 days starting from my next period. then lupron (which i've never taken but heard horror stories about) and then stimms and then ivf.    so - ivf in august at some point.   we go for an information session this friday at 2:00 to learn about the process and how to use the drugs.

this is good news... yes?   but there's always got to be something ....

i have 3 endometrial cysts to deal with. i have always known about 1 but the other 2 are a surprise. with 3 present, dr love/hate is fairly certain i have mild to moderate endo.   this isn't a surprise to me but what is a surprise is that the stimms can make these cysts grow which could, in turn, cancel a cycle and have me lined up for surgery shortly thereafter to have them removed.    i have known of one of the cysts for 3 years now and it has measured 3.2-3.4cm the entire time - and it didn't grow at all throughout the course of my 4 iui's so i'm hoping that it will stay the same and won't interfere with the ivf but ... once again, only time will tell.   truth be told, i'm not overly worried about this but haven't googled the shit out of it either.   for today, i'm just going to leave it alone.

i bumped into one of the women i was cycling with during my last 2 failed iui cycles. she is 6 weeks pregnant and absolutely glowing. she's so happy and excited - as she should be.   on the outside, i was happy for her but on the inside, there was a complete shit storm brewing.   i bumped into her while waiting for dr. love/hate and for some reason - that set me off and i felt like there was a rainy cloud over the entire meeting with the dr.   mad jealousy inside me today.   why her and not me? why not both of us?

most days i'm very upbeat and positive. i justify all of the fertility ass-ness by thinking that i'm meant to go through all of this so that i'll appreciate having children and being a mom more than i would have been capable of without having gone through all of this.   i'll be a better mom as a result and hubs will be a better dad.

today - not so much.   today, my general feeling is that this blows monkey junk.   that's right. is said monkey junk.

sigh.

crazy thoughts on a commuter train

2010-06-14T11:27:00.000-04:00

i remember very clearly when hubs and i first got engaged and i was sporting my new shiny diamond ring that i loved (and still love) so much.  from that moment on, i started noticing rings on every woman's hands when i never did before.

there's a woman that takes the same commuter train i take to work in the morning and sometimes we're on the same train at night.   she started sporting a shiny new diamond ring around the same time so my guess is that we were engaged within weeks of one another.    after returning home from our honeymoon, i resumed my regular life only now i had the wedding band to go with my engagement ring. i noticed that she also had added a wedding band as well.   once again ... we're on track.

you can probably guess where this is headed.   this woman is about 8 months pregnant now and i can't wait for her to get the fuck off my commuter train and go on her maternity leave. a whole year without having to look at her and her growing belly as a reminder of where we're not.   seriously, this woman taunts me every.single.day.   i've grown to hate her and i've never spoken a word to her.   how fucked up is that.   we'll be walking side by side and on the outside i look completely normal but in my head i'm screaming at the top of my lungs "I GET IT, YOU'RE PREGNANT, I'M NOT. GO ON FUCKING MATERNITY LEAVE ALREADY. FUUUUCKKKK!"

on another note, my appt with dr love/hate was cancelled last week and rescheduled for this wed morning.   i'm still really hopeful that we'll be on track.   we're going to give it a whirl this month and try baby making the old school way - by having sex around ovulation.   anyone remember what that's like?

i heart new york

2010-06-08T10:58:00.001-04:00

we're just back from a glorious 5 days in my favourite city, new york city. they made that cheesy "i love new york" t-shirt for dorks like me.

my husband, however, did not love that i dragged him to every vitamin shop i could find to buy nyc fresh out of royal jelly with bee pollen AND propolis. i think he thinks i'm obsessed. ahem.

great times, amazing food and more than a few cocktails were had by us. its safe to say we'll be back!

i have my follow up appt with dr love/hate at 3:00 this afternoon to discuss the findings (or lack thereof) in my hsg and our timeline for ivf. i'm pretty excited about this appointment... let's get this ivf ball rolling!

Woo Hooooo!

2010-05-31T16:51:00.001-04:00

went in for the HSG this morning and specifically asked the dr (we'll call him dr gentle) to look for a polyp on my cervix or in my uterus and he found NOTHING! in fact, i didn't even feel the saline rushing through my tubes (which are all clear) or any of the uncomfortable-ness i felt last time around. yahoooooo! dr gentle also confirmed that my arcuate uterus is so mild that he doesn't believe this could be the cause for my previous 3 miscarriages nor could it be the reason my iui's didn't work. so i'm chalking it all up to bad luck.

that's a lot of bad luck... but hopefully that means ivf will occur in august and *good* luck will be on our side this time around. we go in to see dr love/hate on june 8 to discuss these results and from there, we'll make our official plan for ivf.

bring it the fuck on.

Welcome ICLW!

2010-05-21T14:03:00.000-04:00

welcome ICLW'ers!

i have been a super slacker with the ICLW lately... but i'm back!   if you want to know about our IF journey, then take a look to your left and you'll see it all there.   currently, we're on a ttc break which, i have to admit, feels really strange.   so much of our lives over the last 18 months have been all about making a baby and i'm not really sure how to be "on a break".   i have to say.... its sort of strange to be getting in on with hubs just because we feel like it or the mood strikes us.    bow chica bow BOW!

i am waiting on an HSG test to determine whether i've got a uterine polyp before we can figure out what our next move is.  if i've got a polyp, then i'm headed for surgery but if not, we're headed toward ivf (hopefully) in late summer/early fall.   until then, we're trying to get my body as ready as possible for ivf and that includes losing some of the poundage i gained over the last couple of years and taking all kinds of potions, pills and oils to get me as ready as i can be.

for now, we'll continue to live like rock stars except that we'll be eating healthy and working out a lot (i'm down 5.2lbs so far!!).   and we'll be trying to enjoy our break.   some days, it feels great but other days i feel a panic in me that is uncontrollable.... i feel like we're missing opportunities because of my age, etc.

well, thats enough about me, tell me something about you!

progress

2010-05-17T11:25:00.000-04:00

i can't believe it, but i made it through an entire weekend filled with parties and get togethers littered with booze and delicious food and cake everywhere ... and i didn't gain any weight!

in fact, since i really focused on weight loss and healthier living, i've lost a grand total of 3.8 lbs. that said, i'm desperate for a chocolate bar and would probably rip your arm off if you waved a bag of chips in front of me.

but all in all, not bad.... i'll take it.

more waiting

2010-05-12T13:41:00.003-04:00

i think one of the things about infertility (lately) that bothers me is all the fucking waiting! arg! we show up for a 9am appt this morning and wait over an hour to see the dr. thankfully, he spent a fair bit of time with us so it was worth the wait but still! a breakdown of what we've got going on right now:

genetics testing has come back and its all fine - no translocations found
blood work for blood clotting disorders and about a bajillion other conditions, including lupus, all clear
dr love/hate thinks that, based on 4 iui cycles, i'm an "ok" to "poor" responder to the injectible meds which means he'll be more than doubling my doses for ivf. that ought to be fun. cue the crazies.
my fsh levels (cycle 4: 8.0, cycle 3: 5.6, cycle 2: 6.9) are rising but they're not alarming...yet
he wants to re-test fsh on day 3 of my next cycle. realized that we'll be in nyc so it'll have to wait until the next next cycle
hubs sperm counts, morphology and motility are all just fine. we don't need to worry about this
he's concerned about the polyp so i have to go back for another dye test at the end of may and, if its there, i'll need surgery. if i need surgery - he'll do what he can to get me in as soon as possible but hospitals are backed up, etc. etc. so it could mean waiting until august/september for that. the good news is if i do have to have it, the recovery time isn't bad and we'd be in business the cycle after surgery
ivf with icsi is the next step but we have to wait to get the results of the dye test to see if i need surgery first
we can't try on our own this month because of the timing of the dye test so we truly are on a month break
he's sending me to another recurrent pregnancy loss specialist to see if there are any further tests they can do to figure out what's gone wrong in the past. he mentioned amh testing - anyone heard of this?
he wants me to lose weight - 10lbs minimum - says this is the most important thing i can do to ready my body for ivf. bring.it.the.fuck.on.
he's happy i'm doing acupuncture and wants me to continue
no more baby aspirin but i'm to keep up with prenatal vitamins, folic acid, etc.

i didn't tell him about the royal jelly, chinese herbs, fish oil, wheat grass, etc. etc. because he's a scientific guy - doesn't buy into any of that stuff. i do, so i'm keeping up with it. so the short version is, no ivf plans until we get the polyp dealt with BUT, ivf is our next goal. PLEASE let there be no polyp there when i have the dye test.... it'll take forever to get in for the damn surgery... i am going to talk to the dr who's doing the test to see if, during that procedure, he can just zap it out if its there at all. let's hope....

in the meantime, we've changed our diet at home and i'm back to working out at the gym. i'm only down 1 lb since last thursday but hey, a lb is a lb! i'll keep a journal here to keep myself accountable on the weight loss front. you guys can feel free to bust my balls if i'm reverting back to my "lazy, feel sorry for myself because of stupid infertility" ways.

time for the wtf appointment

2010-05-11T15:06:00.001-04:00

my shit seems to be back in order. sort of.

thanks for all your supportive comments to my last post.   man, what a day that was.   the water works didn't end at my posting - they lasted well into the evening.   but somehow, i managed to pull myself together and get through the weekend and actually had a little bit of fun while i was at it.   i'm sure that diving head first into a bottom-less glass of wine had nothing to do with it.   ahem.

we have our first ever WTF appointment with dr love/hate tomorrow morning.   i will be arriving at said appointment with notebook and pen in hand and will not be leaving until i have answers to all of my questions.   i'm terrified that the polyp that was discovered during my monitoring last cycle will be the reason my timeline for ivf in august doesn't work.   dr google tells me that uterine polyps are removed by D&C. that would really fuck with my plan and i don't want my plan fucked with.

i have been taking a shitload of supplements and oils every morning for about a week now and am seeing some of the non fertility related, yet still very positive, effects already.   the only thing that i am anxious to start but havent yet is the royal jelly/bee pollen.   i looked in every health food joint in toronto and surrounding areas for royal jelly WITH bee pollen in honey and couldn't find it anywhere.   i've ordered it online from the states and sucked up the ridiculous shipping costs and am waiting for its arrival.   we're going to be in nyc for 5 days at the beginning of june, i'll load up on it to bring home with me.

i'll update again tomorrow to let you all know how we made out with dr love/hate. let's hope i'll have some good news (ie - no ivf timeline fuckage) and can look forward to a few months off this summer before really getting this party started.

the day Lisa lost her shit

2010-05-07T16:36:00.001-04:00

**warning ... may be TMI for some**

man, its been a bad day in Lisa Land. i'm an emotional wreck.... let me break it down for you in point form:

AF is here and she's raging. So much so that at about noon today, i realized that i had bled right through my pants. its not enough that AF represents another failed IUI, the bitch also has to make me walk uncomfortably all over the damn city looking for a pair of pants that fit me. this made me bawl.
hubs and i are planning a trip to NYC to celebrate our anniversary. flights booked, hotel booked, broadway tickets booked. all non-refundable. just realized AF is due the day we leave and will be joining us the entire 5 days we're gone. yep.... bawled again.
emails from my mom. i was told once again (about the last IUI) "if its meant to be, it will be" and she ended this particular pep talk with "at least you have your husband". These statements piss me off. yes, i love my husband and am very happily married to him but this doesn't make the heartache of what we're going through any easier. the two are entirely unrelated. without him, i wouldn't be doing this. i wish I had a different relationship with her but I don't. she always says all the wrong things.
emails from my sister in law - she's saying all the wrong things today as well. she suggested that because we're "taking the summer off", we'll probably get pregnant because we're not trying so hard. while that could happen, it probably won't. and i'm just kind of tired of people saying it to me.

tonight we're having drinks with hubs friend and his pregnant wife. tomorrow, i'm having 2 girlfriends over for dinner. it was supposed to be 3 but the 3rd cancelled because of mothers day festivities that she planned (notwithstanding this dinner has been planned for months). she told me this is why she's cancelling. she also knows whats going on. if you have to cancel, just cancel. don't tell me why. of the other 2, one has a newborn at home and the other has a 3yr old and a 10 month old. i don't know how to "be" around them anymore. its so hard.

i'm not sure anyone could say the right thing to me today. the waterworks have begun again. maybe i'll go and crawl into bed and throw the covers over my head until this wave of emotion moves on.

dr. feelgood

2010-05-06T15:15:00.000-04:00

i'm just back from my acupuncture appointment with dr feelgood. normally, she puts the needles in and leaves me to wander off into *i feel like i just smoked a big fatty* land but today was a "working" acupuncture appointment. i love this woman. she will have me ready for ivf if its the last thing she does! we talked about a number of things:

she explained the entire process to me which, for an ivf virgin, is comforting.
she's also talked to me about what i can do between now and then to get my body ready (ie diet, exercise, etc.) she wants me to complete a diet diary over the next week and will analyze it and tell me what's good, what to change, etc.
i discussed my somewhat irrational fears with her (what if after all this, my eggs are shit, my fear of the egg retrieval being a painful experience, etc.) and she has put my mind at ease for the most part.
she has changed my pre-natal vitamin - she wants me to take Preg.na Lite instead of Mater.na.
i will also be taking a chinese herb called Tan.g Ku.ei & Peo.ny. I am currently on Nouri.sh Essense and will finish my supply of that with a mix of the other and when i'm done, i'll continue with the new stuff.
i will be taking 2tbs of Nutras.ea per day - its a fish oil
she doesn't believe hubs needs any help with his sperm counts but suggested we speak to the dr about Fer.tile Aid if we'd like to. i felt his counts through all 3 iui's were low (post wash: 20mm, 32mm and 20mm) but both dr feelgood and dr love/hate (obgyn) have told me that these counts are well within the normal range.

so, i'll be doing and taking everything she suggested over the next 2 months.   the only addition to this that i'm considering is royal jelly/bee pollin mixture for both hubs and i.   i've been reading lots about it and it seems to work like a charm for some but not others.   does anyone have any experience with this? any success stories you'd like to share?

we're scheduled to see dr love/hate next wednesday morning. i'll show up armed with all of my questions so i don't get overwhelmed.   this is the *hate* part of our love/hate relationship ... he always blows through everything so fast that its hard to get a straight answer from him. hopefully that won't be the case next week.

in the meantime, i weighed myself yesterday and plan to do so every wednesday from here on out. i threw my lazy ass on the treadmill at home last night as well and will be doing so again tonight. my goal is to lose 15-20 lbs over the next 10 weeks. its aggresive but i dont care!    i'll reporting in here on my weight loss so as to keep myself accountable.   feel free to bust my chops if you don't see an update from me on this every thursday.

i really hate that we're here and that we have to do this.... but dammit, if i have to do it, then i'm going to throw my entire self into it.   no regrets, right?

wandering thoughts

2010-05-03T11:43:00.001-04:00

my blood test to confirm the final failed IUI is tomorrow morning.     i peed on a stick again just now (12dpo) and the whiteness where there should be a line is blinding.   i'm a mess.

i started the "pee project" on friday morning because it was 11 days after my trigger shot.   i googled it all over the place and everywhere i looked, it said that the trigger lasts a max of 10 days in your body.   on friday, i had a faint positive but i was suspect from the get-go since this would only be 9dpo.   once again, i am the anomaly here. thats right girls, my body gets a hold of that trigger shot and hangs on longer than all the averages and won't let go.  somewhat ironic since this is the same body that was, many moons ago, letting go of one pregnancy after another.

i didn't tell my husband that i was peeing on sticks all weekend long because he'd be upset with me.   so all day yesterday, our first wedding anniversary, i had to pretend that i wasn't devastated and it was so fucking hard.   i am so thrilled to be married to this man.   i feel more than lucky to have found him - and at 35 to boot.  i had all but given up and was starting to wrap my mind around life without a partner. i was moving out of the burbs and into the city (literally listing my house for sale THE DAY we got together and looking at lofts and condos to buy in the city THE MORNING after).   needless to say, my house never made its way onto the market and those lofts i was looking at?  i was so disinterested in them... i just knew he was the one so there was no point. i told my boss the monday morning that i'd met the man i as going to marry, just 2 days after meeting him.   and marry him, i did.   1 year ago yesterday. and I spent the day pretending to be happy.   how fucking sad is that?

thankfully, we had a wonderful dinner out on saturday night when i still had a glimmer of hope (because of faint positive pee stick on friday morning).

so now, i wait for the confirmation, and then i move on. again. (well, i think i'll drown my sorrows with at least one night of wreckless wine guzzling, but THEN i'll move on.   again)   i have 3 clinic free cycles before we're back in the game.   over the summer, i'm going to focus on weight loss to see if i can shed some of the emotional and fertility drug induced 30 lbs i'm carrying.   we'll meet with our dr and figure out where the fuck we go from here - get all of our shit sorted out so we're ready in august.

dear friends... if there is ANYTHING you can think of that i should be doing to make this body of mine more fertile, please let me know.   i'd also like to know what hubs can do to get his sperm counts up ... they're ok but we'd like it if he could reach rockstar status.

any ideas?

ivf, here we come.

2010-05-02T14:02:00.000-04:00

i did it. again.
i peed on a fucking stick. then another. then another.

i allowed hope to creep in and now i'm crushed. again.

its our anniversary today. i hoped to wrap up a positive pregancy test for my husband. what an amazing gift that would be.

looks like i'm wrapping up an ivf plan instead.

stupid infertility.

Summer Hiatus

2010-04-27T13:46:00.003-04:00

it looks like we're headed for ivf in late summer/early fall.

i'm not happy about it. how can it be that i was pregnant so often in 2009 without really trying (ok, all ended in miscarriage but still) and now that we have medical intervention on our side, everything seems to be going wrong?   how can this be happening?   i never thought getting pregnant would be our problem and here we are. May, 2010 and not pregnant.

i was really hoping to be one of those iui success stories.   but, after my last iui, my dr. said that's it.   if this third iui doesn't work (had them last tues/wed and find out next tues), we have to explore other options. i am full of cysts from the meds and have developed a polyp in my uterus - probably from the meds but he's not sure. he did say that the polyp, depending on its location, could prevent implantation.    excellent.

i have all but given up that this latest cycle will have worked based on what the dr said during the iui and am trying to wrap my mind around ivf. and i have to say, i'm being a big baby about it.   i really didn't want to have to do this.   what if this doesn't work? then what?   hell, after all of this, i don't even know if i want kids anymore ... how bad is that?    hubs thinks this is just a natural defence at work but i'm not so sure.   i do know that i don't want to find myself at 45 looking back and regretting that we didn't explore every option.

we're taking the summer off regardless. i need a break. i want to live like a normal person, make plans to go away on the weekend.   i'd even like to get all *crazy* and plan an actual vacation!    but i know, the entire time, i'll be thinking about this... the "what if's", the "when will our time be", the "why is this happening to us".

does this ever get easier?